Some people believe that corporations should also be responsible for social issues, besides making profit (1). In my opinion, while paying high priority to earnings, firms also need to consider public responsibilities.
On the (2) one hand, it is undeniable that generating profits brings various benefits for the public as a whole. This is mainly because the more money these companies earn, the more taxes they will have to pay for (3) the government. As a result, residents’ lives will be improved significantly as more revenue will be spent on public needs (4) especially health care and education. Another reason supporting for this view (5) is that a large number of people will not be unemployed as once firms (6) able to earning profits, they will expand their business and consequently more jobs will be created.
On the other hand, enterprises should also conduct their businesses in a socially responsible manner besides paying excessive attention to generating profits. Firstly, if companies are not fully aware of their responsibilities towards society, it will lead to a devastating result. A clear example for this case is that there has been a serious environmental degradation such as pollutted (7) atmosphere brought about by factories. Another illustration is that emissions or industrial and chemical wasted (8) have been discharged into lakes or rivers, contaminated the water and killed thousands of underwater features (9) especially fishes. Secondly, firms should also use their profits to do philanthropic actions such as give charitable donations to homeless or orphanages. Consequently, these businesses could enhance their public image and build up community’s trust and confidence.
In conclusion, although I believe that making profits is the most important princepal (10) in doing business, considering about (11) public responsibilites (12) is also needed.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
1. Some people believe that corporations should pay attention to social issues as much as to making profit — the idea here is not to use ‘also’ in the beginning, as it implies that there was something mentioned and the ‘also’ part is an addition to the previous statement. The suggested example is one way to rephrase the sentence without using ‘also’.
2. On one hand — no article is needed here. The phrase goes ‘on one hand … on the other hand’.
3. The more taxed they will have to pay to the government — ‘for’ would mean that the companies pay the tax instead of the government. Read more about prepositions.
4. more revenue will be spent on public needs, especially — a new clause is introduced with a comma.
5. another reason supporting this view— supporting this view would me more correct — there is no need to use ‘for’ here.
6. once firms (are/become) able to earning profits — a verb is needed here.
7. polluted — spelled with one ‘t’. See other words with difficult spelling.
8. chemical wastes — another typing inaccuracy.
9. killed thousands of underwater creatures, especially fishes. — wrong word is used (features), and a comma is missing before a new clause. I didn’t correct ‘fishes’ in case the author meant certain species of fish. See this article on fish/fishes for more information.
10. principle — spelling mistake.
11. considering/taking into consideration — ‘consider’ isn’t used with ‘about’ as far as I know.
12. responsibilities — spelling.
Great essay with serious approach to structuring, paraphrasing and usage of synonyms. Most inaccuracies could be easily avoided if the author proofread it more thoroughly. Remember to read your IELTS/CAE essay before handing it in to your examiner. You are not penalised for making corrections as long as they are easy to read and understand. Everybody makes mistakes and those couple of minutes for proofreading can make a world of difference.