As we all know we are living in a competitive world. The more we go for better opportunities the less we wander in life. But why many young people now prefer to live in cities? There can be a wide range of reasons for the cause.
In one perspective (1) the factor which influences young people to live in cities is work. There is a greater range of jobs available in cities. Even if a person is uneducated or had poor performance in academics could find a job in cities. (2) On the other side, many MNC’s builds their base (3) in cities offering a different range of positions for youth. (4) Even though it seems expensive in the short run, it is far more beneficial that cities offer a wide class of jobs.
Moreover, there are several other factors which (5) influence the young to stay in cities. When considering the factors education is the other main reason. Most universities are in big cities. The (6) young people being more concerned in studies choose a university in the city. As a reason, in order to be economically stable, they prefer to shift (7)to the city. This choice has more advantages either you could do a part-time job in any shop in cities or find more time to work for your academics.
To conclude the motive of the young people to live in cities is a worthful choice. The most significant factor among the two is work. As stated before there is a greater range of jobs available in cities which the young people can do as far as their potential. It is not that important that a person has a well-paid job it is needed that they can earn anything for their daily life. (8) So, it is job opportunities that influence many young people to prefer to live in cities.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- I’ve never encountered that particular introductory construction and googling it gave me no relevant search results. I would suggest using a different wording for your introductory phrase.
- Even if a person is uneducated or had poor performance academically they could still find a job in cities.— we need to add ‘they’ because there is a new clause that needs a subject. I changed academics to academically, an even better option would be poor academic performance. Still is added for emphasis.
- Avoid using obscure acronyms and abbreviations. You used many which implies plural, yet builds is in singular. I believe that by base you meant something like headquarters or a head office?
- You are referring to young people as one big body of individuals so it should take a definite article. E.g. the police.
- Check this article on relative clauses
- In this case you imply a certain group of young people. I would avoid using the definite article.
- I have not found any cases of the word shift used to convey the meaning of people moving.
- This sentence contains three determiners (that). Consider rephrasing the sentence to make it more cohesive.
- The word ‘city’ is used 17 in this essay. It is a word that is somewhat difficult to paraphrase (the only option coming to mind is ‘urban agglomeration’), so consider building some of your sentences in a way to avoid using the word. E.g. :
Original sentence: To conclude the motive of the young people to live in cities is a worthful choice
Alternative: To conclude the motive of the young people to live in densely-populated areas is a worthful choice.
Of course, the meaning changes somewhat, but not dramatically so.
A simpler approach is to use adverbs of place (there) or determiners (that) to refer to previous sentences and thus avoid using the repeating word.
Despite numerous suggested corrections this essay is quite nice. The author has a respectable command of English, both grammatically and lexically. The essay is adequately structured and has fluid, convincing arguments. It would be improved by commas placed more aptly and closer attention to articles usage.