IELTS Writing Task 2

Nowadays there are some1 regions where teenagers experience a rough time studying and₂ working and lack of rest. In my essay I would outline this problem₃ and discuss possible solutions.

Firstly, this problem affects the health of young people. They spend most of their time sitting₄ probably not paying attention to their posture. Such lifestyle is dangerous because one experiences the lack₅ of fresh air and internal organs are displaced which might cause their diseases. The lack₅ of oxygen makes the brain work slower and decreases attention which badly affects studying. Secondly, teens who do not have leisure time for meeting friends may suffer from psychological problems. Their social bands₆ might be quite weak because they do not practise communication. It may cause low self-esteem and the feeling of loneliness which can lead to depression.

However, there are some₁ solutions. For example, doctors at schools should discuss pupils’ health₇. They can provide interesting and useful tips for staying healthy and outline₈ the role of sport. There have to be developed sport sections and facilities to encourage students to move. Moreover, schools should organise exciting events to bring students closer together which will stimulate social communication and the emergence of friendship relations. There also has to be a cabinet of free psychological help if one experiences a crisis.

All in all, because of work and studying young people experience problems with health and mind but they can be solved by schools which might give such abilities and opportunities.

283 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Please avoid using words like ‘some’, ‘something’ and ‘thing’ in formal essays. They are too vague and make little contribution to the message of the text.
2. ‘And’ was used 13 times in this text. Two things: first of all, try to use synonyms for that, e.g. ‘as well as’, ‘and also’ and others. Secondly, avoid using two conjunctions in the same clause, like here: “… a rough time studying and working and lack of rest”
3. “I will/would like to outline this problem”
4. We need a comma here to introduce the same part of speech, in this case gerund: “They spend most of their time sitting, probably not paying attention”.
5. “The lack” is used twice, it could be easily replaced with the phrase “insufficient amount of” in this particular context to avoid word repetition.
6. You probably meant “social ties” here
7. Phrased like this, it feels like doctors should discuss that among themselves. I believe the idea was to establish a dialogue between pupils and doctors. If that is the case, then: “… doctors at schools should encourage pupils to talk about their health”
8. I would suggest phrases like ‘highlight’, “stress the importance of”.

Modern universities have to find a balance between students’ recreation and their studying time. Lack of relax influences on₁ studying and extremely hard studying influences on mental condition. This connection causes problems, which educational systems should solve.

First of all the most widespread cause of intensive learning is insomnia₂. Such disorder might create other neurological troubles which might affect on₃ cognitive abilities. Moreover₄ short-term and long-term memory also degrade. Relevant solution could be organize₅ time-management programs based on university campus or employ specialists who will₆ help students to design their individual timetable. It gives to university a huge perspective to become psychological support center where it is possible to lecture and writing research₇ about topics suggested by students.

Another serious problem with which educational organizations face to is burnout.₈ This syndrome is relatively new phenomenon characterized like₉ feeling of exhaustion from work. Under stress of exams, deadlines, ratings and research grow into people with emotional burnout becomes much more probable result for students after graduation than become certified professionals with wide career opportunities. Potential suggestions to prevent general depression may include corrections in course program and developing extracurricular activities. Various facilities like dance studio, music or literature club promote participants to find themselves and diversify their studies.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that relax is necessary condition₁₀ of productive working. But the question is how organize₁₁ this relax to make it the most effective in usually small period of time and what space will be the most useful and fit to₁₂ all the purposes of modern society.

257 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. “Lack of relaxation influences studying…” – to my knowledge, ‘relax’ is never used as a noun. The word ‘influence’ can be used with the preposition ‘on’ only when it’s a noun: “He has great influence on him”
2. There’s a logical mistake. The way this sentence goes, it says that insomnia CAUSES intensive learning. In other words, it is the reason we learn so intensively. And don’t forget that “First of all” is an introductory phrase, which should be follow by a comma: “First of all, the most widespread result/consequence of intensive learning is insomnia”
3. No preposition is needed after the verb “affect”
4. Another introductory word without a comma.
5. “A relevant solution could be to organize/organizing…” – ‘solution’ is countable and should take an article.
6. I would recommend using “would” instead of “will” since it is a hypothetical proposal here
7. Do not connect two different parts of speech with ‘and’: “… where it would be possible to lecture and conduct/write research…”. I have also added “would” in line with the hypothetical nature of the proposal (see #6)
8. “Another serious problem which educational organisations face is burnout” – ‘with’ and ‘to’ are not needed here.
9. “Characterized by“
10. Missing indefinite article – ‘condition’ is countable
11. “How to organize”
12. To fit something. No preposition is needed here

Some people argue that instead of fighting with diseases by using medication as well as spend huge sums₁, it is better to invest money on₂ preventive procedures. In my opinion, I agree₃ with the statement that people should increase their health knowledge, so they can₄ improve they health and avoid spending sums₅ on pharmaceutical treatments.

First, I believe that increasing health education of humans let₆ them be prepared and face diseases easily. By saying this, I mean that people, for example, can improve their immune system by consuming particular vitamins and minerals or prevent themselves₇. For example, many countries use vaccination to fight with such diseases as, Rubella₈, tuberculosis and one of the most noticeable now «Corona virus»₉, for example. Those people who have advantage of knowing how to increase their immune system₁₀ fight against viruses more easy, rather than those do not have such information.

Another reason why I agree, that₁₁ people should use preventative measures is to save money. It is thought by many, that pharmaceutical companies are what us to buy₁₂ more and more treatments. They use the fact that people have a few knowledge₁₃ about healthcare to sell as much medicaments as possible. A good example could be old people, who tend to watch a lot of new₁₄ on TV with advertising of medication. Due to a lack of₁₅ health proficiency, they usually follow such offers, spending their last money.

To conclude, knowing about preventative measures and generally knowing about one`s health is an extremely important to live healthier and longer life. Moreover, it is always better to be aware of health problems, which means to be prepared face them₁₆, rather than waste money on medication checks₁₇.

281 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. … spending huge sums of money – remember that when you use conjunction to connect two clauses (and, or, as well as etc.) both parts have to be in the same form. You can say ‘do something and doing something’.
2. to invest money in
3. If you agree, it is already your opinion, so you don’t have to say it twice here 🙂
4. A hypothetical situation requires the use of ‘could’, not ‘can’
5. The word ‘sums’ in English doesn’t have the meaning of big amounts of money, so an adjective is needed, e.g. ‘huge, big sums’.
6. ‘education … allows/lets‘ – the word ‘education’ should be treated as singular grammatically
7. You can prevent something or prevent somebody from something. Here your are preventing someone! You can’t do that.
8. No comma is needed before the first item in the list: “such diseases as Rubella, tuberculosis…”
9. No parentheses are needed here
10. Develop/strengthen/reinforce immune system
11. No comma is required before that. Here is a good article on that.
12. “… companies want us to buy…” ?
13. ‘Knowledge’ is countable, can’t use ‘few’ with it. “… people have little knowledge…”
14. ‘new’ needs a noun here, you can’t use it without one.
15. ‘Lack’ is uncountable and will never take an indefinite article. No article is needed here
16. “To be prepared to face them”
17. “Healthcare/medication bills” would work better here

In the modern world, young people₁ have to sacrifice entertainment and leisure time₁ to achieve great success in their studies. School and university students spend hours reading specialized literature, solving math problems, or writing essays, which does not allow them to find time for themselves. This problem is now quite widespread and requires serious attention because this state of affairs negatively affects the mental health and even the life quality of the younger generation₂.

This problem can be explained by the high competition₃ at universities and in the labour market. Students are sure₄ that success in adulthood can be only achieved if you study hard, which is true. However, academic achievement is not the only goal of a person and it must be remembered₅.

Another reason is not dependent on young people₆, since it is related to the system they are located in. The workload in educational institutions is growing at a high rate to keep up with modern life, instead of teaching people to think and analyze, many teachers focus on the amount of different information. Thus, students have to devote a huge amount of time to memorizing, and that is why they cannot dedicate time to hobbies, entertainment and meetings with₇ friends.

I believe that the solution to this problem is to revise what a teenager or young person should really know and be able to do, when all the necessary information can easily be found on the Internet, you need to learn exactly how to do it quickly and effectively, devote more time to the skills of analyzing information and the ability to apply it, but not just remember it. Thus, students will₈ have to spend less time studying and it will allow them to find free time for their needs.

312 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Both would be better off paraphrased or synonymised: Youngsters, the youth; free time/time free from work or studying. Remember that the words taken straight from the task will not be included to your overall wordcount IF they can be paraphrased
2. Using ‘the’ with comparative adjectives means one of the several available or spoken about. For example: “We were choosing between a big, but expensive apartment and a smaller house. We went with the bigger one”.
3. Again, no article is required. We are talking about competition in general, not a particular competition (even though it is specified as “at universities”, we still do not mean some certain university competition).
4. This expression is on the informal side of things. I would suggest changing it to “Students are convinced …”
5. “… and this/it must be kept in mind“
6. “… is not related to young people/ … is one outside of young people’s control” – more of a lexical recommendation, not a mistake.
7. “with” can be omitted without losing on the meaning.
8. Since it is a suggestion, a hypothetical situation, it should probably be ‘would’ and not ‘will’

In all times education was₁ one of the most discussed issues. Nowadays young people enroll to educational institutions for many reasons. In this essay will be considered₂ main factors, which pushes₃ youngsters to get educational degrees.

In many developed countries scholars decide to continue their education in order to get particular knowledge, so they will be hired by employers. Today`s reality shows that, to be employed, you have to provide finished higher education degree. That is why children in schools encouraged by parents to get good marks, which let them enroll to any chosen university in the country. While some people argue that university studies is just a waste of time, I believe that higher education is essential for a future career.

In my point of view, another reason out of many, why people tend go₄ to universities today is that one wants to increase and update already achieved skills or knowledge. For example, those people, who already have a degree in any specific field and even have work experience want to become narrowly focused specialist. I think this trend is increasing now, as many employers are looking for highly professional workers that is why many people choose to focus on the one₅ specific subject.

In conclusion, I would like to say that to be a successful candidate in today`s jobs market, to get the exact working place₆, people are forced to get different educational degrees, so they apply to universities. Another purpose of enrolling to educational institutes is to develop and improve already gotten knowledge.

256 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. The times referred to seem to continue, so Present Perfect would be better here: “In all times education has been one of the most discussed issues”.
2. Subject should come before the verb here: “In this essay main factors will be considered”
3. Factors are plural, so the verb should agree with it: “… main factors, which push…”
4. “Tend to do something”
5. “One” already has the meaning of “only”, so the definite article is not needed here
6. “To get the desirable job/position”, “to be offered a lucrative job” would fit better here

It is argued that children can avoid getting diseases in their age by such procedure as vaccination. I am an opinion₁ of that parents should not be forced to immunise their kids without a choice if they want it or not₂, but to have a right to decide₃ about vaccination.

On the one hand, vaccines can be seen as the best option when protecting children from negative diseases₄. A lot of people, usually except doctors₅, know nothing about medicine₆ and such important aspect of it – vaccination. There are professional medics, who think that immunizing kids could be dangerous, they believe it changes one`s bodies₇ processes and recommend to use only natural treatments. In my own experience, I know a few American and Russian doctors, who left classic medicine₈ institution and now work as naturopathic doctors, they believe that such medicine can fight with diseases not worse than the classic one.

I believe that individuals should have an opportunity to choose whether to develop immune system by vaccination₉ or not. The question about vaccines is not less important than, for example, children`s education. People must be free to decide about their kid`s future. For example₁₀, in Russia parents have a right to agree or disagree₁₁ with medic workers about vaccines. After negative experience with vaccination in my school, my family decided to stop using such medical procedure.

In conclusion, vaccination is not the only one option₁₂ when thinking about immunise children₁₃. Parents should have rights made by low₁₄ to answer the question whether they want to use vaccination or alternative methods against kid`s diseases.

263 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. “I am of the opinion that” – “to be of the opinion…” is the accepted structure of this phrase.
2. “Without giving/being given a choice…”
3. “Have the right to decide” – we are talking about a particular right to do something
4. There is no such thing as “a positive disease” so the adjective here is redundant
5. “Usually/normally, a lot of people with the exception of doctors”
6. “Healthcare” would probably be a better word here. “Medicine” is mostly used in the meaning of things like pills or other remedies rather than the field.
7. “Body processes”
8. “Conventional medicine” fits better here.
9. I’d say that we “stimulate” or “reinforce/strengthen” our immune system.
10. Avoid repetition of the same structures. “For example” can be paraphrased: “For instance”, “To illustrate”, “One example of … is …” and many others
11. “The right to do something”
12. “… is not the only option”. “One” shouldn’t be used as we already have the word “option” which it would normally replace to avoid word repetition
13. “Thinking about doing something”
14. Misspelling of “Law”

Our existence and the environment we are living in, (1) are directly connected to art and music. Despite the technological advances, I believe these two still have priority in humans’ life, even some part of school curriculum refers to music and art, but school authorities need to consider (2) other subjects should not be dismissed.
In todays’ hectic pace of modern life, people are seeking for (3) peace, rest, joy and passion, which could be found in art. Listening to music or creating a piece of art could change individuals’ mood and be stimulating that (4) leads to higher performances. In addition, through music and other branches of arts, nations could communicate and talk. Art act as a common language, and help people from all over the world get together apart from (5) their belief, nationality or color, for example, while politicians could not solve their disagreement, artists or fans of arts could cooperate in a proper way.
In my point of view, holding art classes at school is beneficial; however, it should not affect other fields of study. Learning science and art, both have a significant role in the path to adulthood. Former help children to think logically, gain skills to solve problem, analyze the situation, the latter improve their imagination, and active their creativity and the result would be to discover pupils’ talent. For this reason, students could study in (6) a major that suits their personality, so society would have motivated professional.
In conclusion, it seems to me that art and music have a special place in our daily life and would help to release pressure in the modern world, although, it would be wrong to devote more time to it at school in comparison with other topics.

285 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. There is no need for a comma here. Check this article about commas for more information
2. but school authorities need to keep in mind that other subjects should not be dismissed/but school authorities need to consider other subjects
3. ‘To seek’ is normally used without a preposition. Alternatively, you can stick with ‘to look for’.
4. Check this article on relative clauses to know the minor differences between ‘which’ and ‘that’ in a sentence.
5. Art acts as a common language, and help people from all over the world (to) get together despite their belief.
6. You study for a major, at least seems to be the most widely-used collocation according to google search results.

   This is a good example of an essay – decent and adequate structure, points are well-developed, the language is sufficiently varied. Occassional collocation inaccuracies do not prevent the reader from understanding the main ideas of the essay. If the highlighted bits of essay were to be corrected, it would be a very solid piece of writing.

Recently, it is often argued that History (1) is an important school’s subject, but other believe
that, in the modern world, there are more important subject (2) than History like Science and
Technology. This essay will discuss both aspects and draw my personal opinion.

In one hand, History subject could have some advantages for students (3). The first one, learning History could help us avoiding other mistakes. For instance, Thomas Edison had failed 999 times in order to invent the first bulb in the world. However, it become more easier to make a bulb now. The second point, History subject considered as an enjoyable subject. Despite the other subjects, History is different. (4) It includes stories which could be fun unlike the others.

In the other hand, other subjects could be more beneficial than History subject. The first one
is science subject. Science subject gives the students an essential knowledge that benefits
them in their live. For example, chemistry knowledge help pharmacists creating medicines.
The second one is Technology subject. Students need to learn Technology because it helps
them to adjust with the modern live. For instance, people need to learn using phones to
communicate with their friends and families.

To sum up. (5) Although History is a significant subject, there are other subjects that more important than History. Therefore, I believe that History is not as important as other subjects like Science and Technology.

 

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Names of subjects shouldn’t be capitalised. This mistakes can be seen throughout the text.
2. Pay attention to auxiliary verb ‘to be’ — it is used in the plural form here and refers to a singular ‘subject’.
3. The phrase goes ‘on one hand, on the other hand’. The preposition shouldn’t be changed.
4. The word ‘subject’ is used too many times here. Consider using a synonym. Additionally, the idea you are describing here is not very good as argument in favour of history.
5. You shouldn’t use introductory constructions as separate sentences

This essay in its current form doesn’t qualify for an IELTS Writing Band above 4.0, which is pretty low. The writer should practice more, as almost every aspect of this writing needs improving. Try reading other essays to see how people structure theirs, how they use set-phrases and prepositions.

Popularity leading to higher revenues

People are divided in their opinion regarding whether a company will benefit from sport adverts (1) or it will cause them drawbacks. This essay takes a look at both sides of the argument and includes my perspective upon this matter.

First and foremost, sport commercials and logo inscriptions play an important role in TV broadcasts and beyond. Due to the fact that there is an increasing number of people watching sports, companies who aim to remain in the public eye offer sponsorships. These considerable sums of money can serve for future improvements. For instance, Oak Arena, a football stadium, was entirely funded by numerous accounts belonging to well-known firms such as Nike, Rolex and BCR, the latter being a chain of fitness clubs. Moreover,enterprises always pursue dramatic growths which regard the level of popularity (2). Paid partnerships are presumably the most common tool towards publicity. Nevertheless, all endeavours would have been in vain if firms had not soared their bottom line sales figure.

On the down side, not all businesses are allowed to participate in this game. Tobacco and alcohol producers represent firm exceptions of the rule for the products they provide are prohibited by athletes themselves. Therefore, since most people are trying to copy sport celebrities there is no room for consumption of unhealthy products. In addition,promoting ones business is not cheap and competition is great (3). Consequently, investments pose an enormous risk and pressure on the shoulders of CEOs. Breaking even sometimes seems unlikely to happen because everything depends on human’s unpredictable behaviour and preferences.

Considering the aforementioned, I believe a lot of thinking should be taken into account prior to making any offer. Albeit, in the majority of the cases companies succeeded in recording overwhelming profits.

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. ‘Adverts’ is too informal, which is inconsistent with the text generally formal style. See more on formal and informal English.
2. This sentence should be rephrased, it is unclear what exactly is meant here.
3. In addition,promoting one’s business is not cheap and competition is big/huge/tough. — use an apostrophe when showing possession (except for its). ‘Great’ used this way has dubious meaning — it can be both big and welcome. Not a mistake here, but I would suggest using different word to avoid double meaning.

This is a very nice essay — solid and clear structure, good argumentation and fair variety in lexical and grammatical structures. The occasional inaccuracies do not mar the overall positive impression of this decent piece of writing.