Nowadays there are some1 regions where teenagers experience a rough time studying and2 working and lack of rest. In my essay I would outline this problem3 and discuss possible solutions.
Firstly, this problem affects the health of young people. They spend most of their time sitting4 probably not paying attention to their posture. Such lifestyle is dangerous because one experiences the lack5 of fresh air and internal organs are displaced which might cause their diseases. The lack5 of oxygen makes the brain work slower and decreases attention which badly affects studying. Secondly, teens who do not have leisure time for meeting friends may suffer from psychological problems. Their social bands6 might be quite weak because they do not practise communication. It may cause low self-esteem and the feeling of loneliness which can lead to depression.
However, there are some1 solutions. For example, doctors at schools should discuss pupils’ health7. They can provide interesting and useful tips for staying healthy and outline8 the role of sport. There have to be developed sport sections and facilities to encourage students to move. Moreover, schools should organise exciting events to bring students closer together which will stimulate social communication and the emergence of friendship relations. There also has to be a cabinet of free psychological help if one experiences a crisis.
All in all, because of work and studying young people experience problems with health and mind but they can be solved by schools which might give such abilities and opportunities.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Please avoid using words like ‘some’, ‘something’ and ‘thing’ in formal essays. They are too vague and make little contribution to the message of the text.
- ‘And’ was used 13 times in this text. Two things: first of all, try to use synonyms for that, e.g. ‘as well as’, ‘and also’ and others. Secondly, avoid using two conjunctions in the same clause, like here: “… a rough time studying and working and lack of rest”
- “I will/would like to outline this problem”
- We need a comma here to introduce the same part of speech, in this case gerund: “They spend most of their time sitting, probably not paying attention”.
- “The lack” is used twice, it could be easily replaced with the phrase “insufficient amount of” in this particular context to avoid word repetition.
- You probably meant “social ties” here
- Phrased like this, it feels like doctors should discuss that among themselves. I believe the idea was to establish a dialogue between pupils and doctors. If that is the case, then: “… doctors at schools should encourage pupils to talk about their health”
- I would suggest phrases like ‘highlight’, “stress the importance of”.