IELTS Writing Sample Essay

Sport is a popular amusement (1) and attracts a lot of attention. Some games collect a huge amount of people to see a play (2) of their favorite team. Companies use this opportunity as a way to sponsor games and give advertisement of their products to populate (3) theirs products. It might have negative and positive effect(4).

The benefits for the sport itself is that it helps to provide additional financial recourses (5) to salaries, equipment, gives more opportunities to promote and populate sport among the (6) young people. Helps (7) to make tickets cheaper for fans, broadcast a game worldwide, create a copy of the games and produce souvenirs to sell and memories the event and players (8). For instance, hockey attracts a lot of attention from different companies to place their ad while game is taking place. But it also sponsors to put in billboards that hockey teams are inviting young people to start training and you can see it also in huge malls apart from street ad. Sponsors also provide young team to travel (9) around the world to compete with foreign players.

A negative effect is that placing advertisements can be very aggressive and obtrusive, especially, while broadcasting worldwide some (9) games. It attracts attention from an event watchers, and kills a joy of watching and disrupts a (10) game. Like (11) during a basketball game there is a huge TV which apart from transmitting (12) the game, shows different commercials and you miss a part of the flow and you watch what you might not want to and you pay for.

In conclusion, in spite of pros and cons sport would not be able to survive without sponsorship, and sponsors will always use an opportunity to promote or sell their stuff.

284 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Practice— ‘practise’ is a verb, the noun is ‘practice’ — I have taken the liberty to correct this mistake in the rest of the essay. A similar case is advice(noun) and advise(verb). See the full list of tricky words in English.
2. the benefits behind this marketing tool far outweigh the negative sides — ‘overweight’ is an adjective with a different meaning.
3.  ‘primary aim’ is used twice in the same paragraph. Consider paraphrasing it.
4. For instance, private companies like Rolex are essential for many football teams which could not even remain in the sports without their financial help. — ‘market’ does not fit very well to describe sports environment such as football. I would advise using something different. A more general ‘sports’ would do better, or a figurative ‘game’, e.g. ‘they wouldn’t be able to stay in the game’.
5. Paragraph three is slightly underlength and the idea there is insufficiently developed. Consider expanding it, adding supplementary arguments or increasing its size otherwise.

This writing is of very good quality, even though there are some minor shortcomings that could be easily rectified. Both grammatical and vocabulary structures are of considerable level.

Body paragraph two seems underdeveloped. The idea could be expanded further. The essay is over 300 words long. While this is not directly punished, writing a longer essay almost inevitably entails more mistakes. To be fair, this does not seem to be the case in this particular essay, but one should always keep this in mind.

Nowadays, it is common belief that people should be more concerned about practical skills rather than theoretical ones. Others disagree with this assumption. This essay will discuss the main positive and negative aspects of focusing on practise (1) instead of theory.

Generally speaking, acquiring practical skills has become essential for every job seeker. Therefore, the majority of job interviewers require from their candidates some technical experience to cover a certain position. In addition to this, internships and traineeships play a crucial role in preparing recent graduates for working life. For instance, the European program Erasmus provides a wide range of options for students aimed at gaining work experience to let them have access to the job market in an easier and faster way.

On the other hand, in-depth theoretical knowledge about the field of activity in which a potential or current worker is involved is important: without it, it is even unlikely to set objectives and targets for a company. Moreover, possessing theoretical knowledge may also affect the amount of money a worker can earn. An evidence of this can be given by the fact that having a qualification, such as a Bachelor’s Degree or a certain certificate, is almost always a requirement for doing white collar jobs (2), which are, in most cases, those with the highest salaries.

To sum up, many individuals consider acquiring practical experience more necessary than developing knowledge (3) about principles or rules. This essay discussed the main advantages and drawbacks of this statement. Whether practise plays a more vital role than theory or not, it is clear that they are both significant in modern life.   

268 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Practice— ‘practise’ is a verb, the noun is spelled with letter c — ‘practice’. See this list of words that are easy to misspell.
2. White–collar —’ white-collar’ is a compound adjective and should be hyphenated
3. Knowledge — consider finding a synonym for knowledge, such as ‘competence’, ‘expertise’ or something similar in meaning

This essay is superb. The only downside it has is the occasional vocabulary inaccuracies that should be easy to avoid with proof-reading the writing. Never underestimate the importance of proofreading.

Development in educational courses is always a necessary part of course design, it is a basic requirement of curriculum; which is very important in keeping intact (1), the interest of student as well as course instructors.(2)

Art and sports are indeed the key part of any society. Art especially need (3) more care and concerns, people usually not much attracted (4) to this subject, as the learning opportunities available in art’s field are very limited. 

In this regard, government need (5) to pay a good deal of attention and spend more funds for the development of art institute and courses. It is a big demand of time that public institution play their part (6) in making young students realize the importance of art studies. Government need to engage some organizations in art’s research programmes (7); such type of efforts can be helpful in enhancing the interest of young professional to take art as a career making subject. 

Sports (8) are needed to keep a nation healthy and energetic, government agencies and sports boards are the icon institutions (9); which are much responsible to motivate the students (10). Basic educational system is a parent key (11) for making the career path for learners. 

More likely (12), improvement in basic sports courses, supporting the development of advance sports related (13) literature and spending more fund in establishing sports facilities (14) can definitely help masses to take sport as a serious life subject. 

In light of above, I conclude my opinion as both art and sports have equal importance in development of society. Art’s personnel (15) are very important in conserving the culture and heritage of a nation, sports person are (16) responsible for presenting a nation at international forums (17).

286 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. which is very important to keep intact — it is better to avoid -ing forms if you can use the simpler form of the word. This makes the text more fluid, easier to read and understand.
2. in the (best) interest of student as well as course instructors. — the commonly used phrase has ‘in’ — in the interest of somebody. The word ‘best’ can be added for more emphatic effect and often it is used rather than not. Consider having a look at prepositions in English basics.
3. Art especially needs — Art here is singular.
4. people are usually not much attracted — a passive constructions needs an auxiliary verb ‘to be’.
5. In this regard, government needs — Government is in singular.
6. It is a big demand of time that public institution play their part — The time demands public insitutions to do their part. The beginning of the sentence is unclear, I tried to rephrase it the way I understood the meaning. Do their part/play their part are interchangeable, I would prefer the former.
7. Art’s — possessive is optional here and can be avoided.
8. Sports — Sports in plural normally imply certain types of activities (e.g. football, rugby etc.). However, if you mean sports as recreational activity in general, not implying any particular kind of sports, then you might as well use the singular form.
9. Icon — icon can’t be used as adjective, maybe ‘Iconic’ would fit better.
10. which are much responsible to motivate the students. — which carry/have much responsibility to motivate the students.
11. parent key — just key would do
12. More likely — Moreover?
13. advance sports related — advanced (?) sports-related
14. spending more fund in establishing sports facilities — spending more funds on establishing
15. Art’s personnel — I would say ‘artist’ here.
16. sports person are — sports people, plural
17. international forums — I would stick to “internationally”. International forums generally have nothing to do with sports.

This is a solid essay with occasional inaccuracies. More attention should be paid to singular/plural nouns and collocations. I would also recommend combining some of the paragraphs into one. Four is the optimal number of paragraphs for your IELTS/CAE essay (This essay has six)