Development in educational courses is always a necessary part of course design, it is a basic requirement of curriculum; which is very important in keeping intact (1), the interest of student as well as course instructors.(2)
Art and sports are indeed the key part of any society. Art especially need (3) more care and concerns, people usually not much attracted (4) to this subject, as the learning opportunities available in art’s field are very limited.
In this regard, government need (5) to pay a good deal of attention and spend more funds for the development of art institute and courses. It is a big demand of time that public institution play their part (6) in making young students realize the importance of art studies. Government need to engage some organizations in art’s research programmes (7); such type of efforts can be helpful in enhancing the interest of young professional to take art as a career making subject.
Sports (8) are needed to keep a nation healthy and energetic, government agencies and sports boards are the icon institutions (9); which are much responsible to motivate the students (10). Basic educational system is a parent key (11) for making the career path for learners.
More likely (12), improvement in basic sports courses, supporting the development of advance sports related (13) literature and spending more fund in establishing sports facilities (14) can definitely help masses to take sport as a serious life subject.
In light of above, I conclude my opinion as both art and sports have equal importance in development of society. Art’s personnel (15) are very important in conserving the culture and heritage of a nation, sports person are (16) responsible for presenting a nation at international forums (17).
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
1. which is very important to keep intact — it is better to avoid -ing forms if you can use the simpler form of the word. This makes the text more fluid, easier to read and understand.
2. in the (best) interest of student as well as course instructors. — the commonly used phrase has ‘in’ — in the interest of somebody. The word ‘best’ can be added for more emphatic effect and often it is used rather than not. Consider having a look at prepositions in English basics.
3. Art especially needs — Art here is singular.
4. people are usually not much attracted — a passive constructions needs an auxiliary verb ‘to be’.
5. In this regard, government needs — Government is in singular.
6. It is a big demand of time that public institution play their part — The time demands public insitutions to do their part. The beginning of the sentence is unclear, I tried to rephrase it the way I understood the meaning. Do their part/play their part are interchangeable, I would prefer the former.
7. Art’s — possessive is optional here and can be avoided.
8. Sports — Sports in plural normally imply certain types of activities (e.g. football, rugby etc.). However, if you mean sports as recreational activity in general, not implying any particular kind of sports, then you might as well use the singular form.
9. Icon — icon can’t be used as adjective, maybe ‘Iconic’ would fit better.
10. which are much responsible to motivate the students. — which carry/have much responsibility to motivate the students.
11. parent key — just key would do
12. More likely — Moreover?
13. advance sports related — advanced (?) sports-related
14. spending more fund in establishing sports facilities — spending more funds on establishing
15. Art’s personnel — I would say ‘artist’ here.
16. sports person are — sports people, plural
17. international forums — I would stick to “internationally”. International forums generally have nothing to do with sports.
This is a solid essay with occasional inaccuracies. More attention should be paid to singular/plural nouns and collocations. I would also recommend combining some of the paragraphs into one. Four is the optimal number of paragraphs for your IELTS/CAE essay (This essay has six)