IELTS Writing Task 2: Stressed young people #3

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies.

What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Modern universities have to find a balance between students’ recreation and their studying time. Lack of relax influences on1 studying and extremely hard studying influences on mental condition. This connection causes problems, which educational systems should solve.

First of all the most widespread cause of intensive learning is insomnia2. Such disorder might create other neurological troubles which might affect on3 cognitive abilities. Moreover4 short-term and long-term memory also degrade. Relevant solution could be organize5 time-management programs based on university campus or employ specialists who will6 help students to design their individual timetable. It gives to university a huge perspective to become psychological support center where it is possible to lecture and writing research7 about topics suggested by students.

Another serious problem with which educational organizations face to is burnout.8 This syndrome is relatively new phenomenon characterized like9 feeling of exhaustion from work. Under stress of exams, deadlines, ratings and research grow into people with emotional burnout becomes much more probable result for students after graduation than become certified professionals with wide career opportunities. Potential suggestions to prevent general depression may include corrections in course program and developing extracurricular activities. Various facilities like dance studio, music or literature club promote participants to find themselves and diversify their studies.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that relax is necessary condition10 of productive working. But the question is how organize11 this relax to make it the most effective in usually small period of time and what space will be the most useful and fit to12 all the purposes of modern society.

257 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

  1. “Lack of relaxation influences studying…” – to my knowledge, ‘relax’ is never used as a noun. The word ‘influence’ can be used with the preposition ‘on’ only when it’s a noun: “He has great influence on him”
  2. There’s a logical mistake. The way this sentence goes, it says that insomnia CAUSES intensive learning. In other words, it is the reason we learn so intensively. And don’t forget that “First of all” is an introductory phrase, which should be follow by a comma: “First of all, the most widespread result/consequence of intensive learning is insomnia”
  3. No preposition is needed after the verb “affect”
  4. Another introductory word without a comma.
  5. A relevant solution could be to organize/organizing…” – ‘solution’ is countable and should take an article.
  6. I would recommend using “would” instead of “will” since it is a hypothetical proposal here
  7. Do not connect two different parts of speech with ‘and’: “… where it would be possible to lecture and conduct/write research…”. I have also added “would” in line with the hypothetical nature of the proposal (see #6)
  8. “Another serious problem which educational organisations face is burnout” – ‘with’ and ‘to’ are not needed here.
  9. “Characterized by
  10. Missing indefinite article – ‘condition’ is countable
  11. “How to organize”
  12. To fit something. No preposition is needed here

 

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