What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
In the modern world, young people1 have to sacrifice entertainment and leisure time1 to achieve great success in their studies. School and university students spend hours reading specialized literature, solving math problems, or writing essays, which does not allow them to find time for themselves. This problem is now quite widespread and requires serious attention because this state of affairs negatively affects the mental health and even the life quality of the younger generation2.
This problem can be explained by the high competition3 at universities and in the labour market. Students are sure4 that success in adulthood can be only achieved if you study hard, which is true. However, academic achievement is not the only goal of a person and it must be remembered5.
Another reason is not dependent on young people6, since it is related to the system they are located in. The workload in educational institutions is growing at a high rate to keep up with modern life, instead of teaching people to think and analyze, many teachers focus on the amount of different information. Thus, students have to devote a huge amount of time to memorizing, and that is why they cannot dedicate time to hobbies, entertainment and meetings with7 friends.
I believe that the solution to this problem is to revise what a teenager or young person should really know and be able to do, when all the necessary information can easily be found on the Internet, you need to learn exactly how to do it quickly and effectively, devote more time to the skills of analyzing information and the ability to apply it, but not just remember it. Thus, students will8 have to spend less time studying and it will allow them to find free time for their needs.
312 words
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Both would be better off paraphrased or synonymised: Youngsters, the youth; free time/time free from work or studying. Remember that the words taken straight from the task will not be included to your overall wordcount IF they can be paraphrased
- Using ‘the’ with comparative adjectives means one of the several available or spoken about. For example: “We were choosing between a big, but expensive apartment and a smaller house. We went with the bigger one”.
- Again, no article is required. We are talking about competition in general, not a particular competition (even though it is specified as “at universities”, we still do not mean some certain university competition).
- This expression is on the informal side of things. I would suggest changing it to “Students are convinced …”
- “… and this/it must be kept in mind“
- “… is not related to young people/ … is one outside of young people’s control” – more of a lexical recommendation, not a mistake.
- “with” can be omitted without losing on the meaning.
- Since it is a suggestion, a hypothetical situation, it should probably be ‘would’ and not ‘will’