Recently, it is often argued that History (1) is an important school’s subject, but other believe
that, in the modern world, there are more important subject (2) than History like Science and
Technology. This essay will discuss both aspects and draw my personal opinion.
In one hand, History subject could have some advantages for students (3). The first one, learning History could help us avoiding other mistakes. For instance, Thomas Edison had failed 999 times in order to invent the first bulb in the world. However, it become more easier to make a bulb now. The second point, History subject considered as an enjoyable subject. Despite the other subjects, History is different. (4) It includes stories which could be fun unlike the others.
In the other hand, other subjects could be more beneficial than History subject. The first one
is science subject. Science subject gives the students an essential knowledge that benefits
them in their live. For example, chemistry knowledge help pharmacists creating medicines.
The second one is Technology subject. Students need to learn Technology because it helps
them to adjust with the modern live. For instance, people need to learn using phones to
communicate with their friends and families.
To sum up. (5) Although History is a significant subject, there are other subjects that more important than History. Therefore, I believe that History is not as important as other subjects like Science and Technology.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Names of subjects shouldn’t be capitalised. This mistakes can be seen throughout the text.
- Pay attention to auxiliary verb ‘to be’ — it is used in the plural form here and refers to a singular ‘subject’.
- The phrase goes ‘on one hand, on the other hand’. The preposition shouldn’t be changed.
- The word ‘subject’ is used too many times here. Consider using a synonym. Additionally, the idea you are describing here is not very good as argument in favour of history.
- You shouldn’t use introductory constructions as separate sentences
This essay in its current form doesn’t qualify for an IELTS Writing Band above 4.0, which is pretty low. The writer should practice more, as almost every aspect of this writing needs improving. Try reading other essays to see how people structure theirs, how they use set-phrases and prepositions.