Technology has an important role in our daily lives and it is used in almost the whole globe (1). In this essay, I will discuss about (2) its influences in (3) our relationships and what has changed in our way to communicate.
To start with, we can connect to people who used to be our schoolmates or college colleagues (4) Alternatively, there is the chance on (5) making new friends with whom we share our same ideas or opinions on a large variety of topics, such as politics, education and economics. Nevertheless, being isolated in our own rooms may cause many forms of depression, as scientists have recently found out. Therefore, we should be careful if considering young people because they could be victims of cyber bullying or be attracted by paedophiles.
The second point to consider is its positive effect on the communication. For instance, not only are our messages sent and received from one corner of the world to another in a few seconds, but also the search of information and news has recently become faster. Despite this brilliant innovation, many grammatical features are used more inappropriately than before. Consequently, our language will become easy to manipulate and it will be easer (6) to write and world-widely spread fake news which can influence our opinions.
To sum up, technology is a massive presence impossible to delete and will continue to influence our lives (7). In my opinion, the major aspect to consider most carefully is the second point discussed because we should pay attention on what we read and always find the sources of websites consulted.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Technology has an important role in our daily lives and it is used almost all over/around the globe — preposition ‘in’ isn’t used with ‘globe’ here, it would imply that something is located literally inside of it. See this article on prepositions.
- I will discuss (I will talk about) its influences — do not use ‘discuss’ and ‘about’ together.
- Influence on — if you mean that something directly or indirectly affects something else, then you should say that it has an influence on it.
- College colleagues — colleagues are people you work with. Unless you worked in college together e.g. as teachers you shouldn’t use the word. Try ‘classmate’ for people you studied with.
- Chance of — If there is a probability of something, then there is a chance of it happening.
- Easier — make sure your spelling is right. Also check this list of words that can be difficult to spell right.
- To sum up, technology has massive presence that is impossible to overlook/ignore/get rid of and will continue to influence our lives — ‘to delete’ is a more technical term and it doesn’t fit well into the sentence stylistically.
This piece of writing has several inaccuracies with prepositions and occasional vocabulary mistakes. Nonetheless, it is well-structured and all of the points are sufficiently developed. The writer has chosen two of the three points and clearly stated his preference for one of them, as required by the task.