Your class has watched a television documentary about the benefits of helping immigrants to integrate into their local communities.
Notes:
-Language
-Culture
-Work
Choose two of the areas in your notes. You should explain why the areas are important and provide reasons in support of your answer.
Nowadays, it is said that immigration is a problem that is constantly rising. Within the upsides of helping immigrants are the ethical and moral disciplines. In this essay, the issues of language and culture will be covered.
Firstly, we must take into account how difficult and hard it is for foreigners to adapt to our language. We ought to give our help to these people on this matter, but the question is: how? One answer to this enquiry (1) could be to set an obligatory language exam before the integration for foreseeing how the immigrant will do in the future with our language. Courses could be offered too, paid by the government of each country. However, these measures won´t be effective if we don´t participate. The change in mind must start from us.
Another point to consider is culture. On the one hand, it is true that we could loose (2) our national identity and traditions, but on the other hand, our culture would be enriched too, being this a superb advantage (3). Immigrants would give us difference (4) and amongst all, tolerance, both essential elements in today´s society. In this issue we must also contribute, just by reducing our selfishness and helping others in the daily aspects of life.
To sum up, both areas are necessary and therefore important, as they are the key to modern society. In other words, we couldn´t do without language or culture nowadays. Personally speaking, I believe that we all must participate in this global and ethical change happening and we should happily “celebrate diversity” (5).
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- One answer to this matter/problem could be — I wouldn’t use this synonym to ‘question’ here as it is not a literal question but instead a matter or a problem that has to be dealt with.
- On the one hand, it is true that we could lose our national identity — ‘loose’ is an adjective that means ‘not firm or tight, having slack’. If you did imply that, then the verb would be ‘to loosen’.
- Our culture would be enriched too, this (or the latter) being a superb advantage — if I understood this right, this refers to culture getting enriched. Both suggestions would make the connection more clear.
- Immigrants would give us variety/diversity — variety or diversity would fit in better. Difference does not possess the implies positive meaning.
- I see no reason for parentheses here.
Some minor vocabular inaccuracies aside, this is a very well-written essay. The author is confident with their usage of English, the grammatical and verbal constructions are varied and well-structured. The general structure is in accordance with the task requirements and all of the relevant points are sufficiently developed. Well done!