Hardly anyone can argue than gaining young people’s (1) when it comes to serious academic situations can be quite challenging, but there is no doubt that if there’s one topic that will efficiently gain their attention it has got to be their quickly upcoming future. Nowadays kids, teenagers especially, are usually surrounded by the constant pressure that comes with the uncertainities and misteries (2) the times to come might present. The world’s generally unstable economy and society’s highly competitive capitalist system leaves them no other choice, so, fortunately for those who are interested in shaping ours (3) future leaders, it comes as no surprise that the aspect of what their lives might hold once they become independent is the one that manages to successfully gain their attention and interest. Due to this, the process of more adequately preparing young people for working life should be fairly easy as long as the proper methods are implemented. The two more promising suggestions seem to be the implementation of regular school visits done by experienced employers, and the addition of extra work related (4) subjects in schools available for any student who might be interested in informing themselves about a certain working branch or profession.
While the second option might sound more attractive to those who trust theorical education over any other practice, I personally believe the implementation of employer’ (5) is the right way to go if we aim to genuinely gain the students’ interest. Not only would this visits (6) be something they would look foward (7) thanks to the lightness they’d provide in comparison to other classes, but this method would also be one that guarantees their direct involvement if designed and planned correctly.
On the contrary, the addition of new subjects is sure to be a significantly big (8) failure since young people are already burdened with more than enough work and little to no free time so it seems unlikely that they would actually willingly add more work to their already thight (9) schedules. Furthermore, even if they were to accept and participate in this classes, the results would likely be quite unfruitful due to the reasons previously mentioned.
It goes without saying that the most effective way to go would be to implement both systems and let each student decide what their personal preference is based on their own likings, but if there is a need to choose a specific one, I would highly suggest the implementation of professional’s visits.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- I believe there was an attempt to pluralise ‘people’ which shouldn’t be done here. A possessive form is not required either.
- Mystery is the correct spelling variant. See list of misspelled words for more examples.
- interested in shaping our future leaders
- work-related is a compound adjective and should therefore be spelled with a dash.
- Unneccessary apostrophe
- these visits – visits are plural here.
- something they would look foward to — ‘to look forward’ has a literal meaning of looking in front of you. ‘To look forward to’ means ‘to feel excited or enthusiastic about something in the future’.
- new subjects is sure to be a significantly bigger failure — you have to use a comparative adjective in this context.
- An incorrect spelling of tight.
The main issue of this essay is its bloated first paragraph. It is imperative the writer has a well-defined and reasonably-sized introduction. To rectify this issue would mean improving this piece of writing significantly. The argument presented in a clear, structured way. The language is fairly varied and free of mistakes that impede understanding. Most of the minor mistakes are either typos or slips.