You see this announcement in an English-language magazine for teenagers.
XIAOMI, THE SMARTPHONE OF THE FUTURE
Are you one of those looking for a smartphone with the best features at the lowest price? If the answer is yes, a Xiaomi smartphone could be the right one for you.
Precisely, I’m referring to Xiaomi Mi 10T Lite, which came out in 2020, march1. It is characterized2 by a Snapdragon octa-core microprocessor, a memory of 6 GB and a hard-disk to choose from the version with 64 GB and that with 128 GB. Moreover, it is built with a good camera too, whose resolution is 64 mp. Finally, for what concerns software3, it includes the latest version both Android and MIUI. I paid it4 € 279,00.
As far as I’m concerned, this device perfectly suits my daily needs. As for its features, I think they are the best ones I could ask for that price. What really impressed me is the speed which it does whatever I require with5. The only negative point I can find is the battery whose duration is not as long as I expected.
All in all, I highly recommend Xiaomi Mi 10T Lite.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). You can find the commentaries below. The part in italics is from the text, the underlined word is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Always capitalise proper names. That includes names of the months, naturally!
- ‘Equipped with’ or ‘Powered by’ would work better here. See notes on technical details below though.
- Finally, as far as software is concerned – the more acceptable set phrase here.
- I paid € 279,00 for it – the way it is phrased right now, it seems like you paid this money to the phone itself, which is obviously not the case 🙂
All of the key points are present, which is great. I would recommend moving away from the technical side of the device and instead showing more command of the language. Instead of saying ’64GB’ you could go with ‘it has enough storage for as many apps as you want and thousands of high-resolution photos’. ‘Memory of 6 GB’ could be replaced with ‘lightning-quick responses and intuitive interface’. I think you get the idea. The examiner doesn’t want to know anything about the rough technical data. No offense though, a great description. Just show them more of your beautiful English.