It is often believed that the 21st century can trigger lots of improvements to the planet and not only (1) . As far as I am concerned I remain reluctant to the course of this incredible period (2).
First and foremost, throughout this century people have created and innovated to an astonishing extent. The release of computers all around the world generated an overwhelming impact to the lifestyles of many (3). Moreover, this discovery combined with later breakthroughs such as free network, cell phones and drones enabled the population to communicate in real time despite enormous distances. However, mankind also managed to create great threads to its existence (4). Nuclear bombs and climate change, although seemingly different they both share in common the same danger we are faced (5). In addition, recent economical crisis ensued in drastic drawbacks at a global scale, hence raising unemployment,crime and inequality (6). Therefore, thus far more harm was caused than creating possible solutions leading to a better world (7).
Last but not the least, my level of confidence into human’s potential still remains positive (8).Provided that we use all the supplied information and make astute decisions some changes, aiming for the better, might appear. For instance, I would like to live in an era where war represents a strange word. Conflicts in the Middle East can cease through rational thinking and peaceful agreements. Furthermore, a drastic decline in the level of pollution can take place if everybody offers help towards this cause. Lastly, my preference regards raising awareness about individual rights as a mean to reduce the gender inequality index (9).
Having the aforementioned being said the future seems blurry for our behaviour can never be precisely predicted (10).
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- It is often believed that the 21st century can bring/bring about lots of improvements to the planet and beyond — trigger is not used with ‘improvements’. If you are unsure whether words collocate, try googling your phrase or use services like Ludwig. ‘To the planet and not only’ sounds like literal translation of something used in your own language. I have slightly altered it.
- As far as I am concerned I remain skeptical about the current direction of this century/period/era. — Again, I have changed the sentence the way I understood it. Why do you call the period ‘incredible’? Try to substantiate and explain your ideas unless it is clear from context.
- The introduction/availability of computers all around the world made an overwhelming impact on the lifestyles of many — the first part of the sentence talks about how computers became easier to get and the changes that followed it. Another collocation: to make an impact; impact normally takes the ‘on’ preposition. See the article on prepositions for the general rules to avoid making mistakes in the most basic cases.
- However, mankind also managed to create great threats to its existence — wrong or misspelled word.
- Nuclear bombs and climate change, although seemingly different both share in common the same danger we are faced (with)/we face. — there is no need for they as the subject(s) of the sentence are present
- In addition, recent economic/financial crisis ensued in drastic drawbacks at a global scale, hence raising unemployment, crime and inequality — Although economical crisis can be used, the former are much more common.
- Therefore, far more harm was caused than creating possible solutions leading to a better world —Therefore and thus are very close in meaning, using two together is redundant.
- Last but not the least, my level of confidence in human’s potential still remains high — a level can be high or low, I would avoid using ‘positive’ with it. Note the use of preposition with ‘confidence’.
- Lastly, I regard raising awareness about individual rights as a mean to reduce the gender inequality index — It is better to make it more personal — you regard something, not your preference.
- Considering the aforementioned the future seems blurry for our behaviour can never be precisely predicted — another redundancy. Avoid unnecessary word repetition whenever possible.
The key points of this essay are sufficiently developed. There is still a considerable amount of inaccuracies in terms of vocabulary and grammar which sometimes make it difficult to understand the sentence.
I would also recommend making introduction and conclusion paragraphs slightly bigger, at least three sentences each.