According to many, youngsters suffer from the lack of time and living under stress while studying. I can totally agree with that vision, needless to say1 that life of younger generations nowadays is getting more stressful and tough. As far as I am concerned, cognitive changes that evolution brought in and labour market requirements are the main causes of the situation.
First of all, we live in the time when changes affect not only the external but also the internal world. To be more precise, computerisation has led to the following: teenagers may struggle to do even such basic things like preparing for the class or attending lectures as their mind gets used to responding to the screen and resists concentrating on long monotonous work. Therefore, in order to save one’s mental health2, governors are to recreate3 the education system, which4 would meet the challenges of our time.
To add, fierce competition in the labour market reflects5 the educational process dramatically. Teachers are to present a huge layer of specific information on various subjects in a short time. Students in turn should do their best to obtain a high level of qualifications and get a decent job in the future. I can see a way out of this issue in providing each student a mentor that would help one mentally and practically, giving advice on how to set study-life balance and build one’s own training strategy.
In conclusion, I would say that the scenery6 that appears around young people now is quite neurotic and complicated, so authorities are to present an up-to-date plan of school reformation and find some7 professionals that could accompany young people in such an important period of their lives. As far as I see it, these implementations will definitely lead to an increase in stress tolerance and the release of time8 from studying among people of younger ages.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- As an introductory word, ‘needless to say’ has to be surrounded by parentheses. I would advise against using introductory words in the middle of the sentence unless you are absolutely sure that they have to be there.
- “To preserve, to maintain” would probably work better in this case, although “to save health” is a reasonable alternative
- “To recreate” means “to make something exist once again, to bring something back to life” which is not the most accurate word. See #4 for suggested alternatives.
- It should be ‘that’ and not ‘which’ here since it is an essential part of the sentence rather than a bit that provides additional information. For the same exact reason we don’t need the comma before it. Check this explanation for more info. So we end up with this sentence: “… governors are to remodel/restructure the education system that would meet the challenges of our time.”
- “To reflect on something”
- ‘Environment’ would work better in this context. ‘Scenery’ is mostly about the trees and the bushes, that kind of things.
- Avoid using this word as it adds uncertainty and dilutes the constructive element of your writing.
- This one was a bit difficult to understand. You probably meant that youngsters would free up some of the time they would have otherwise spent on studying. Even though ‘free up’ is a phrasal verb, it is okay to use them, just don’t overdo it!
Lots of corrections and alterations listed here do not mean that this is a poor piece of writing. In fact, the opposite is the case. The essay ticks all of the boxes – structure, grammar and vocab, communicative achievement. The only flaws are occasional lack of connection between words, i. e. poor collocations.