As many people know, the first steps in the professional career can conditionate (1) success in the next years in any field, (2) for this reason, we should consider what could the governments do in order to offer more opportunities to the (3) young people. The answer seems clear to me: adapt the subjects to the labor world requirements and enclose the relationship between the students and the employers (4).
Firstly, It seems to me that what the students need is a paradigm change. In a modern society, some subjects such as Latin or Arts have become in something (5) obsolete. The breakthroughs in the science are requiring young people with a background in computer sciences or electricity, that explain why many students feel a disappointment (6) when they start their working life and their degrees results complete sinless compare with the real necessities of the companies (7).
On the other hand, we can forget the existence of a barrier between the companies and the universities. Government should find a way to become the internships in a part of the curricular plan as well as organize visits to schools from the pioneer companies to encourage them. Moreover, employers are the perfect candidates to illustrate the working life to the unexperienced teenagers.(8)
To sum up, taking into account the previous arguments, I consider that following these recommendations, government would be ensuring not only that the companies trigger to the students to choose the most appropriate career, also aiding them to develop more valuable skills. (9)
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- As many people know, the first steps in the professional career can set conditions for success — I haven’t seen the word ‘to conditionate’ used anywhere. My guess here is that you meant “to set conditions for something”. Consider googling a word if you are unsure whether it can be used in certain meaning or if it exists at all.
- Consider adding “and” or breaking this long sentence into two shorter once for cohesion
- Offer more opportunities to young people — I would omit the definite article here as you probably mean young people in general rather than a particular group. Consider reading a short entry about the basics of article usage.
- The answer seems clear to me: adapt the subjects to the labor world requirements and bring the students and the employers together — the world ‘enclose’ doesn’t have a meaning ‘to make closer’. I took the liberty to rephrase the sentence to convey the same meaning.
- Firstly, It seems to me that what the students need is a paradigm change. In a modern society, some subjects such as Latin or Arts have become somewhat obsolete. — ‘somewhat’ would fit better in here. It is unclear what arts are meant here.
- Do not use indefinite articles with abstract nouns such as feelings.
- And their degrees turn out to be completely useless compared with the real needs of companies — I have corrected the sentence the way I understood it. I have omitted the definite article before ‘companies’ because no particular companies are meant here.
- Moreover, employers are the perfect candidates to demonstrate/showcase the working life to the inexperienced teenagers.
- To sum up, taking into account the previous arguments, I consider that following these recommendations, government would be ensuring not only that the companies (help students) choose the most appropriate career, (but) also aid them (in) developing more valuable skills. — consider rephrasing the sentence or dividing it into two parts to avoid using so many commas; also: aid in (doing) something.
This writing would be much improved by more consistent grammar and vocabulary. It is sometimes difficult to get the idea behind some of the sentences. Nevertheless the author managed to structure their essay appropriately, provide relevant examples and as a result fulfil the task requirements.