People are divided in their opinion regarding whether governments should allow a small number of people to benefit from huge earnings. Instead, one suggestion aims for leveling the average household income (1). This essay takes a look at both sides of the argument.
First and foremost, citizens must understand that wealthy people and the development of their country are not directly connected. Taking for granted that rich people will distribute their wealth towards improvements in separate areas of the nation is considerably risky. Broadly speaking, people adhere to resemble genuine consumers rather than intelligent investors (2). Therefore, cases in which these residents waste their fortune for personal purposes are numerous. Apart from that influential people can lovely live their life without struggling to augment the local community (3).
Another point worth noting is the futile measure concocted by middle class people aiming for income equality. However, even though governments are entitled with the course of income flux, individual revenues can not be entirely taxed (4). Athletes and prestigious business owners can not be compelled to reduce their annual salary or bonuses. Nevertheless, higher authorities should aim for evenly spreading wealth across their country. For instance, one possible solution is supporting the poor with money collected from the rich who are willing to give a helping hand. In addition, jobs which require few qualifications should be offered perks such as cars belonging to the firm or mobile phones (5). To sum up, a nation’s status lies beneath the well-being of all of its dwellers not just the upper class.
Considering the aforementioned, it is my belief that governmental administrations need to fight for all people irrespective of their economic situation. Consequently, the best way to do so is by increasing the minimum wage and taking into account inflation.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Instead, one suggestion aims at leveling the average household income — If a suggestion is aimed at something, then it is directed towards this subject (probably to somehow change the subject for the better). If you aim for something, then you literally aim at it (i.e. with a gun) to hit it.
- Broadly speaking, people adhere to resemble typical consumers rather than intelligent investors — I couldn’t understand the intended meaning behind ‘genuine consumers’ and changed it to fit the immediate context.
- Apart from that influential people can live their (carefree) life without struggling to augment the local community — ‘lovely’ here sounds too informal. Moreover, mind the adverb position in a clause — there is a great article at Cambridge dictionary website.
- They are usually called ‘company cars’.
The main issue with this essay is that the author attempts to use wider range of words and phrases and they do not always collocate. Like in any other language, synonyms in English all have slightly different shades of meanings that are not always interchangeable (see first two sentences of body paragraph 2).
Other than that, the essay is well-written. It is well structured and sufficiently descriptive to address all of the points in the task. At times there are slight cohesion problems that can be overcome with more exposure to reading English texts.