Our existence and the environment we are living in, (1) are directly connected to art and music. Despite the technological advances, I believe these two still have priority in humans’ life, even some part of school curriculum refers to music and art, but school authorities need to consider (2) other subjects should not be dismissed.
In todays’ hectic pace of modern life, people are seeking for (3) peace, rest, joy and passion, which could be found in art. Listening to music or creating a piece of art could change individuals’ mood and be stimulating that (4) leads to higher performances. In addition, through music and other branches of arts, nations could communicate and talk. Art act as a common language, and help people from all over the world get together apart from (5) their belief, nationality or color, for example, while politicians could not solve their disagreement, artists or fans of arts could cooperate in a proper way.
In my point of view, holding art classes at school is beneficial; however, it should not affect other fields of study. Learning science and art, both have a significant role in the path to adulthood. Former help children to think logically, gain skills to solve problem, analyze the situation, the latter improve their imagination, and active their creativity and the result would be to discover pupils’ talent. For this reason, students could study in (6) a major that suits their personality, so society would have motivated professional.
In conclusion, it seems to me that art and music have a special place in our daily life and would help to release pressure in the modern world, although, it would be wrong to devote more time to it at school in comparison with other topics.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- There is no need for a comma here. Check this article about commas for more information
- but school authorities need to keep in mind that other subjects should not be dismissed/but school authorities need to consider other subjects
- ‘To seek’ is normally used without a preposition. Alternatively, you can stick with ‘to look for’.
- Check this article on relative clauses to know the minor differences between ‘which’ and ‘that’ in a sentence.
- Art acts as a common language, and help people from all over the world (to) get together despite their belief.
- You study for a major, at least seems to be the most widely-used collocation according to google search results.
This is a good example of an essay – decent and adequate structure, points are well-developed, the language is sufficiently varied. Occassional collocation inaccuracies do not prevent the reader from understanding the main ideas of the essay. If the highlighted bits of essay were to be corrected, it would be a very solid piece of writing.