CAE Proposal: Preserving the Old Academy Building

Some people think the best way to get successful in life is to get university education. Others say it is no longer true. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is considered by many that attaining a tertiary education is the key to a successful career, whilst others think there are other opportunities to excel in one’s life except higher education. Many arguments have been made for and against university education. In this essay, I will discuss both views and state my own position.

On the one hand (1), many think that pursuing higher studies will definitely increase the chance of bagging a prospective job. In other words, having a tertiary education puts people one step ahead of others who do not and this can be the deciding factor in getting a job. There are many organizations that shortlist the resumes depending on the criteria of education for most of the vacancies in their company.

On the other hand, having a rich and relevant experience in the field corresponding to the job openings can have an array of benefits to the applicants, according to some. For example, a person who is leading a business or having  a specialization in the given field can multitude the possibility of getting hired by the employer. (2) These type of skills can also be accomplished by joining some course related to soft skill or management and work in the related area for getting needed expertise. (3)

Finally, in my opinion, whether needing a higher level education or having the relevant experience depends on the variety of job which has been looked for. Take for example, doctors, engineers or lawyers. These positions can not be filled by an individual who is not holding needed academic qualification. In contrast, occupation such as business look for an individual who has appropriate experience and management skills (4).

In conclusion, getting a good job requires appropriate experience or needed university education depending on the type and field of work. Thus it is important for candidates, to basically perform a thorough check of the job profile and either pursue needed educational qualification or the matching experience.

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

  1. On one hand — the phrase is ‘on one hand, on the other hand’. You shouldn’t change it.
  2. For example, a person who is leading a business or having a specialization in the given field can (drastically increase) the possibility of getting hired by the employer. — the author probably wanted to use the verb ‘to multiply’ to show the increased probability of getting the job. It is a possible, albeit rather rare collocation. I have suggested an alternative for it.
  3. This type (or These types) of skills can also be learned/acquired by joining a course related to soft skill or management and work in the related area for getting needed expertise. — I would suggest using a different verb with ‘skill’. I also advise to change ‘some course’ to ‘a course’ to make it more formal — it fits the general business-like tone of this essay. ‘Some course’ implies a degree of negligence, like the exact type of quality of course doesn’t really matter.
  4. In contrast, occupation such as business looks for an individual who has appropriate experience and management skills — ‘looks’ here refers to occupation, which is singular.

The essay has excellent content — the author presents clear argumentation of his point of view, gives relevant examples and manages to maintain reader’s attention. The introduction states the purpose of the essay and gives a brief overview of content below.

The text is well-organised with three body paragraphs, each having a well-defined purpose. A conclusion wraps up the ideas into a concise, yet easy to understand summary.

The language is varied with a range of both basic and more advances constructions. The mistakes are few and do not get in the way of understanding the message. A suggestion would be to get acquainted with the use of commas, e.g. this article. The uses a range of synonyms and paraphrases.

 

Scroll Up