Proposal to Preserve the Old Building of Technical Academy
In this proposal, I aim to persuade the town council that the building of Technical Academy has a historical value and that instead of demolishing it, our city could make a profit out of its reconstruction.
Reasons for Preserving The Academy
Technical Academy was one of the first academies in our town, thus although it is an old unused building it has a meaning for many people who used to study there. Not only has this building sentimental meaning but it has also a big historical value (1).
Moreover, it is one of a few building (2) in the city where such astonishing architecture can be observed.
Possible ways of modernization
This building (3) or write the sentence in a way to avoid overusing the word) is old and I understand that its renovation would be financially demanding, however, the building is not that neglected. My offer is to cooperate with students of technical and art academy who would gain practical skills by reconstructing and modernizing the old building.
I recommend turning the Academy into a City Art Hall where cultural events of all kinds (e.g. concerts, vernissages, fine art exhibitions) could take place during all year.
Benefit for everybody
The demolition would be financially beneficial for the city council. However, turning it into an Art Hall would be convenient for both local people and the city since it would attract more tourist to our city (4). Another benefit would be the enrichment of the town spirit and new opportunities for people’s entertainment.
I believe that reconstruction of the old building of the Technical Academy would be beneficial for the whole city and ask you to consider it.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- The word ‘meaning‘ is used twice. A synonym could be used — e.g. ‘sentimental value’.
- Moreover, it is one of the few building — here the definite article would emphasise the unique qualities of the buildings mentioned.
- The word ‘building‘ in this essay is overused. Either use synonyms (e.g. ‘structure’) or try to make sentences that do not need this word while retaining the same idea of the text.
- However, turning it into an Art Hall would be convenient for both local people and the city since it would attract more tourist. — ‘to our city’ can be omitted as redundant — it adds no new information here.
The content of this text is of high quality — the writer present clear arguments in defence of his viewpoint. There is a number of reasonable suggestions. All of the content is relevant to the task.
This essay has great structure, the body paragraphs have appropriate titles so the text is easy to navigate through.
Both vocabulary and structures used in the text are very good. There are no mistakes that I could spot. A suggestion would be to pay more attention to vocabulary diversity, more precisely try to spot overused words and come up with appropriate alternatives for them.