IELTS Writing Task 2

It is argued by many that kids with special abilities should be allowed to study with all students, whilst others feel these kids should be given extra care and ought to be handled in separate sections. The purpose of this essay is to analyse both sides of the arguments then I will give my own perspective (1).

On one side, many people think that kids with special abilities should have the privilege of studying together with all other children. This environment boosts the confidence of children with challenges and allows them to forget their disability, which is utmost important (2). An instance illustrating this in action is the life history of few individuals, who achieved great heights when they were treated alongside other kids without any discriminations .

On the flip side, creating a special environment for challenging children (3) is highly preferable, according to some. This is because kids with challenging abilities need attention and different supporting staff with specialized skills to teach these kids. An example is the “Asha kirana” school, which is specialised in nurturing kids with challenging abilities, support them and identify their hidden abilities (4).

Finally, in my opinion, I am in favor of enabling challenging children to learn and excel in specialised setup rather than combining with other students. Some kids may have resentment when merged with other kids (5). Thus, it is better to allow kids with special abilities to be in their favoured environment.

In conclusion, children with special abilities can be combined with other kids or kept in a separate favorable environment. However, in my view, kids with challenges should be differentiated and allow them to study in a different set up which can address issues such as learning and understanding problems faced by these kids.

295 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. The purpose of this essay is to analyse both sides of the argument, then I will give my own perspective. — there is only one argument here — whether to separate these kids from others or not. Also a comma after ‘arguments’ introduces the next clause, making the sentence easier to understand.
2. This environment boosts the confidence of children with challenges and allows them to forget their disability, which is most important (or of utmost importance) — ‘utmost’ is an adjective, not an adverb (unlike ‘most’).
3. On the flip side, creating a special environment for challenging children — in this case and later throughout the text the phrase ‘challenging children’ is supposed to mean children with various disabilities. They are more often referred to as ‘challenged children’. ‘Challenging’ has a meaning ‘difficult to deal with, disobedient’, but even though it is clear what the author implies here I would still suggest using ‘challenged’.
4. An example is the Asha Kirana school, which is specialised in nurturing kids with challenging abilities, support them and identify their hidden talents — Asha Kirana should be capitalised, I have paraphrased ‘abilities’ to avoid using it twice.
5. Some kids may have resentment when merged with their peers — I have paraphrased ‘kids’ here with a less used alternative.

This is a very decent essay with pronounced and clear structure, well-defined main idea and a balanced argument. One thing that would make it better is more attention to vocabulary — the author could easily come up with synonyms for most of the more often used constructions.

Governing authorities ought to dedicate a huge amount of money in making pupils learn science in comparison with other subjects, to achieve prosperous growth of a country (1). While I agree that it is essential to imbibe scientific skills in students, I also believe teaching other subjects should not be neglected for the overall growth of the nation (2).

To begin with, there are plenty of reasons to illustrate teaching science for school kids have enormous benefits (3). First and foremost, science has exceeding advantages in terms selecting a variety of fields after completing basic education (4). Furthermore, the need for science graduates is plummeting as the whole world is eager to invent something new every day which in turn require skilled science graduates for thorough research (5).

On the other hand, school kids should also learn other important subjects such as arts, history, sports et cetera. This is because exposure to these subjects will enhance the social skills and allow students to have a brief idea about how our ancestors lived and the challenges faced by them (6). Along with this, dedicating time for arts and sports emphasise on skills such as, how to mingle with others and build the confidence of participation in different sports and arts activities (7).

In conclusion, it is essential to teach science as one of the major subjects in schools, but it should not be thought in detriment of other subjects such as arts, history, and sports (8). In order to nurture kids it is highly essential to teach every aspect of learning different subjects, thus promoting balanced learning curriculum.

267 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Governing authorities ought to dedicate a huge amount of money to/for making pupils learn science in comparison with other subjects, to achieve prosperous growth of a country — mind the preposition.
2. While I agree that it is essential to imbibe (or cultivate) scientific skills in students, I also believe teaching other subjects should not be neglected for the overall growth of the nation. — I have personally never seen verb ‘imbibe’ used that way. I have suggested an alternative in brackets.
3. To begin with, there are plenty of reasons to illustrate that teaching science for school kids has enormous benefits — there’s a new clause after the verb, use ‘that’ to bring them together. ‘Has’ refers to singular ‘teaching’.
4. First and foremost, science has massive/huge/definite/distinct advantages in terms (of) selecting a variety of fields after completing basic education — I have suggested more common adjectives that go with ‘advantages’. ‘In terms of’ is the phrase you need if you mean to say ‘as expressed by’.
5. Furthermore, the need for science graduates is (sky-rocketing) as the whole world is eager to invent something new every day which in turn require skilled science graduates for thorough research — ‘to plummet’ means ‘to go down rapidly’ which is the opposite of what you meant by your context. I have suggested a possible alternative in brackets. See this list of verbs that mean change — they might come useful in future.
6. This is because exposure to these subjects will enhance social skills and allow students to have a basic/general idea about how our ancestors lived and the challenges faced by them — I wouldn’t use definite article before ‘social skills’ as it doesn’t point out the skills implied by the article. I also couldn’t find usage of ‘brief’ and ‘idea’ together.
7. Along with this, dedicating time for arts and sports emphasise on skills such as, how to mingle with others and build the confidence of participation in different sports and arts activities. — Here’s an alternative with some changes: ‘Dedicating time for art and sports teaches children to mingle with others and build up confidence to participate in different sports and arts activities’
8. In conclusion, it is essential to teach science as one of the major subjects in schools, but it should not be done in detriment of other subjects such as arts, history, and sports — I assume wrong verb has been used here or I could have misunderstood the meaning of it.

The essay has a well-presented argument that contains both positive and negative aspects of the matter in question. There are some inconsistencies with usage of prepositions, but most do not impede conveying the idea of text.

The language has good verbal variety, I couldn’t spot any word being used too often to stand out. There are good examples of more complex sentence constructions in terms of vocabulary, such as: “how our ancestors lived and the challenges faced by them”, “exposure to these subjects”, “in detriment of other subjects”. Some more advanced vocabulary is misused occasionally.

Many believe that technological advancements in the field of communication have potential drawbacks on human relationship. I completely disagree with this view and feel advancements in technology has an array of benefits on relationships in a society by catering fast, an easy and effective way of communication (1).

There are numerous improvements in the field of communication which helps people to be in constant touch (2). One of the strongest reason is, with the invention of mobile phones, people can connect with each other at any time of the day which makes the relationship stronger and healthier. Furthermore, earlier it used to take few days to deliver the messages to the other person, however, this is not the case now (3). We can start communicating with others in less than a minute which is really appreciable.

In addition, with the advent of social networking sites such as Skype people can do video chat with each other (4). This is extremely helpful in many situations. Take for example, when juveniles are sent to universities for higher studies, parents can watch them on a daily basis which reduces the boredom of not seeing them for a long time in contrast with earlier days. Despite this, the evolution of e-mail gave the new outlook for professionals in carrying their daily work (5).

In conclusion, it is clear that there is a tremendous development in the technology which has a great impact on communication and thus assists in maintaining relationships in the society.

249 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. I completely disagree with this view and feel (that) advancements in technology have an array of benefits on relationships in a society by creating a fast, easy and effective way of communication. — You need to use ‘that’ after so-called ‘verbs of thinking’ — feel, think, believe and so on. ‘Advancements’ are plural and so should be ‘to have’ that refer to it. In the third case, I believe a wrong word has been used.
2. There are numerous improvements in the field of communication which help people to be in constant touch — ‘help’ refers to ‘improvements’, both should be plural.
3. Furthermore, earlier it used to take few days to deliver messages to the other person, however, this is not the case now. — ‘messages’ shouldn’t take a definite article as you haven’t mentioned the exact messages you are referring to. See more on basics of article use.
4. In addition, with the advent of social networking sites such as Skype people can have (a) video chat with each other. — ‘to have a chat’ is a more accepted collocation. And as far as I know Skype is a computer program (a piece of software) rather than a social networking site.
5. Despite this, the evolution of e-mail gave the new outlook for professionals in carrying their daily work — despite what? There is no evident opposition between this and the previous sentence.

This essay has several issues that should be addressed to insure a good mark. First is use of prepositions. Another aspect that could be improved upon is flow of text, e.g. suggestion #5. It is unclear how last sentence of the paragraph connects to the previous one. The author should pay more attention to auxiliary verbs in plural and singular.

Most of these mistakes could be avoided with proof-reading. Always proof-read your essay before handing it in — it eliminates most of the more obvious mistakes.

As veganism trending is becoming extremely common, many people hold the view that people can maintain a healthy lifestyle without the need of meat. I agree that being a vegetarian means being healthier. However, I would argue that remove meat from daily diet can lead to variously-detrimental consequences which directly associates to our health (1).

To begin with, there are many undeniable positive aspects of having a vegetarian diet. The most significant benefit is that this diet helps reverse several chronic illnesses such as heart disease, cancer or obesity. This is mainly because plant-based foods consume less cholesterol so consequently, there will be a lower level of blood pressure and cholesterol (2). Another advantage is that vegetarians are less likely to be overweight as the amount of fat in vegetables is extremely lower than that in meat (3).

However, meat can nourish our body more than plant-based foods can. Firstly, vegetables are deficient in protein whereas a large amount of this is found in meat (4). The main reason why human’s body needs to consume a balanced diet of protein is to build and repair tissue as well as maintain a healthy body, which is vital when doing anything energetic (5). Secondly, besides promoting mental health, meat also improve physical health as meat is extremely rich in various vitamins and minerals such as vitamin A, B, D (6). It has been proven that these vitamins play an important role in promoting good vision, stronger teeth and bones system (7).

In conclusion, it is true that following vegetarian diets results in many benefits such as lowering risks of getting chronic illnesses. However, I believe that meat is highly required while maintaining healthy diets (8).

283 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. However, I would argue that removing meat from daily diet can lead to variously detrimental consequences for our health. — a gerund form is needed instead of ‘remove’. You don’t need a hyphen between ‘variously’ and ‘detrimental’. I have shortened your construction because the extra words do not add anything to the text. In that case the syntax was wrong too. Using more words that do not add any meaning is bad for your final score.
2. This is mainly because plant-based foods contain less cholesterol so consequently, blood pressure will be lower. — ‘Cholesterol’ is pretty difficult to paraphrase, avoid using it twice in the same sentence.
3. Another advantage is that vegetarians are less likely to be overweight as the amount of fat in vegetables is much lower than that in meat. — don’t forget that you are making a comparison here, a comparative adjective should be used.
4. Firstly, vegetables are deficient in protein whereas a large amount of it is found in meat. — ‘it’ should be used to refer to something mentioned just now.
5. The main reason why human’s body needs (to have) a balanced diet of protein is to build and repair tissue (what tissue?) as well as maintain a healthy body, which is vital when doing anything energetic. — ‘to have a diet’ is a better collocation. Alternatively (and preferably) it could be omitted (the text in the brackets is optional).The second part of the sentence is a bit vague — it lacks specific information and hardly adds anything new to the essay. It states the obvious like ‘you need a healthy body to do something that requires energy’. Use your essay to conduct more interesting thoughts and less trite ideas e.g. ‘A healthy, energetic lifestyle is rare nowadays as most people spend their time in front of their computers. To maintain an active life like this one has to have a balanced diet’. This is just an example of how you can use the precious writing space to convey a message.
6. Secondly, besides promoting mental health, meat also improves physical health as it is extremely rich in various vitamins and minerals such as vitamin A, B, D. — ‘meat’ is singular. Also avoid using this word twice — I have replaced it with with a pronoun.
7. It has been proven that these vitamins play an important role in ensuring good vision, stronger teeth and bones — ‘Promote’ is not the best verb for this context. I have also dropped ‘system’ as it is redundant here.
8. However, I believe that meat is highly recommended while maintaining healthy diets — ‘highly required’ is rarely used, and almost of all the uses are by foreign speakers (or so my google research indicates). Use ‘highly recommended’ or simply ‘required’.

The essay has adequate structure — both positive and negative aspects of the approach are given equal attention. The reader would be well-informed on the issue of vegetarianism. The language is fairly varied with a good range of health-related vocabulary. Occasional mistakes and inaccuracies do not stand in the way of understanding the message. The author occasionally repeats the same word — proof-reading the essay would have helped eliminating this.

In regard of a recent discussion about society and attitude to consumption, I would like to leave here some of my personal thoughts.

To start with, nowadays our society own (1) more personal belongings such as a television or a fridge but whether this items (2) are necessary or not is still not clear.

It goes without saying that thanks to some of the electronic devices our life it is easier due (3) to the fact that we have more free time to spend on things that we really love doing. However, there is a tendency on buying (4) unnecessary things just for pleasure and this turns out to be a waste of money and a waste of resources (5).

Another important thing to highlight is the fact that nowadays there is a common belief that the more you have the better you are so as a result we keep buying and keep working such a long hours so that we can earn more money to buy new things (6). This leads to spending less time with our family and friends and as a result a deterioration of our social relationships (7).

To conclude, despite owning items such as a television or a fridge leads to some advantages, the drawbacks of our way of consumption are higher due to that as a result our social relationships are being damaged.

229 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. To start with, nowadays our society owns — ‘society’ here is in singular.
2. whether these items — ‘items’ are plural.
3. our life is easier — ‘it’ shouldn’t be used as ‘life’ is the subject here.
4. However, there is a tendency of buying/to buy — ‘tendency’ and ‘on’ do not collocate. Make sure you use the correct preposition.
5. this turns out to be a waste of money and resources — avoid using the same verb twice, leave the unnecessary words out.
6.  Consider breaking this long sentence into two shorter ones.
7. This leads to spending less time with our family and friends and as a result a deterioration of our social relationships — you may leave ‘social’ out as it is already obvious from context what kind of relationships you are referring to.

This essay’s structure is decent, however there is one point that could be improved on. Both introductory and conclusion paragraphs are a single sentence. Try to develop your ideas into at least two or three sentences per paragraph. Check basic essay writing guide for more information.

A number of good language constructions are used that makes the essay look favourable in the examiner’s eyes. Sometimes the writer attempts overly complex and lengthy constructs which are at times difficult to understand merely because of their sheer size. I would opt for shorter, accessible sentences.

There is a number of inconsistencies when it comes to single and plural subject-verb relationship (see above).

In modern times, a majority of kids are indulged in playing computer games for long hours and dedicated less time for playing out of door activities (1). This trend is the result of reduced social interaction, and I believe this tendency has a negative impact, in terms of children lacking the behaviour of socialization (2).

The main reason for children being too much involved in video games is not having supporting environment that can help kids to play with other children. This can be attributed to the fast phase of urban life where most of the people are completely involved in a day to day activities and does not have time to spare for interaction with others (3). As a result, almost all families are leading an isolated life. Thus kids growing in these families have rare interaction with their neighbours and this promotes them to spend most of their time in the home (4). All these factors lead to children investing more time in video games which can be played alone and in fact looks very attractive to kids (5).

In my view, the trend of kids getting immersed in computer game leads to adverse ramifications. This is because kids who start playing video games get addicted to it and rarely show interest in other activities. This kind of behaviour and attitude gradually leads to children lacking interest in activities played in open space. In addition, due to limited interaction with the society, kids are even showing a lack of involvement in community functions.

In conclusion, modern society has witnessed a change in the pattern of activities played by kids (6). This is purely a matter of change in the lifestyle of the whole society which has an adverse effect on children in terms of lacking social behaviour.

297 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. In modern times, a majority of kids are indulged in playing computer games for long hours and dedicate less time to out-of-door activities — ‘out-of-door’ is spelled using dashes, it is also somewhat old-fashioned, maybe the more-widely accepted ‘outdoor’ would be better; you don’t “play” an activity (this mistake will repeat itself in the last paragraph).
2. This trend is the result of reduced social interaction, and I believe this tendency has a negative impact, in terms of children lacking social skills — normally, complex constructions seem more favourable from a student’s perspective — an examiner ought to get impressed with the verbal intricacy. However, I’d take a simple and clear ‘social skills’ over a more sophisticated ‘behaviour of socialization’ any day.
3. This can be attributed to the fast phase of urban life where most of the people are completely involved in a day-to-day activities and do not have time to spare for interaction with others. — ‘Day-to-day’ is an adjective here so it should be hyphenated. The verb ‘to do’ refers to ‘people’ and therefore should be plural.
4. this encourages them to spend most of their time at home (or inside) — you can’t use ‘promote’ in the sense ‘make do something’. Secondly, if you mean the opposite of ‘out-of-doors’, then stick to two suggested words.
5. All these factors lead to children investing more time in video games which can be played alone and in fact looks very attractive to kids — consider rephrasing the second part of the sentence after ‘and’ (e.g. All these factors lead children to invest more time in video games, which are fun to play even alone).
6. In conclusion, modern society has witnessed a change in the pattern of activities chosen/favoured by kids — this inaccuracy was explained in #1.

This text could use a more diverse vocabulary: word ‘activity’ was used 6 times, ‘interaction’ and ‘lack’ – 4 times each, ‘children’ – 8 times. As some words can be problematic to paraphrase, try building your sentences with verbal variety in mind. You might want to try

Another issue is use of Continuous Tense — there are 15 verbs that use this tense in the text. The author has to make sure to use it with a purpose in mind. I didn’t correct any of it assuming (sic!) that the tenses are used intentionally.

It has been claimed by few individuals that 21st century is an era of opportunities and many people aspire to bring great changes to the world. In my opinion, even I am optimistic about future and like to see some drastic changes in protecting our environment (1).

Being optimistic is the key to happy life and I believe, every individual should always think positively which in turn create positive vibes around the world (2). I am delighted to share the optimistic thoughts of people who are on the verge of bringing changes to the world. Narendra Modi is the prime example who brought some real changes to our nation which was supported by citizens of our country wholeheartedly (3). He achieved something which was quite impossible by his will and optimism which is commendable (4).

There are few areas which need immediate attention from everyone (5). First and foremost, humans have destroyed the environment to an extent which can not be recovered again (6). The only thing what we ought to do at the current situation is to stop deforestation and reduce the emission of carbon-di-oxide (7). In addition, we should also plant some trees to make the earth greener and better environment to leave (8).

In conclusion, an optimistic view can transform the whole world and bring a positive change in it. Some fields which need quick attention is Global warming, which has a devastating effect if not addressed. As a whole, we can bring changes within us to minimize the Global warming to make our world livable (9).

260 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1.  I would ditch the introductory ‘In my opinion’ since you’re talking about yourself — it’s pretty much self-explanatory. Try going with something more straightforward like:
   > “as for me/myself …” — true and tried, even if it seems a bit simplistic
   > “the way I see it…” — might need to rephrase the sentence if you opt for this one
   > “I for one think/believe/hold it that” — go for this construction if you believe your opinion is different from that of majority. The choice of a rebel.
2. Being optimistic is the key to a happy life and I believe, every individual should always think positively which in turn creates positive vibes around the world — ‘happy life’ takes an indefinite article here — a happy life of some person; ‘to create’ refers to ‘which’ and should be used in singular. See this article on articles in English.
3. Narendra Modi is the prime example who brought some real changes to our nation which were supported by citizens of our country wholeheartedly — I assumed that ‘which’ refers to ‘changes’ and swapped ‘was’ for ‘were’. However, if you meant the fact of changes, then ‘was’ is justified.
4. He achieved something that was quite impossible by his will and optimism which is commendable — this is a so-called restrictive clause that needs ‘that’ instead of ‘which’. Restrictive clauses give essential information that can’t be taken out of the sentence. This sentence also has a non-restrictive clause — ‘which is commendable‘. It is an addition to the main idea and can be taken out of context without ruining the sentence. More on relative clauses.
5. There are few areas that need immediate attention from everyone — another restrictive clause.
6. First and foremost, humans have harmed/damaged the environment to an extent which can not be recovered again — ‘destroy the environment’ is usually used in Continuous Tense to show that something affects the environment badly, e.g. ‘Coal power plants are destroying the environment at an alarming rate’. The words I suggested are more commonly used to describe the extent of damage humanity causes.
7. The first (?) thing that we ought to do at the current situation is to stop deforestation and reduce the emission of carbon-dioxide — ‘the only thing’ implies that there should be no other relief efforts to undo the damage. Alternatively change ‘ought to’ to ‘could’: ‘The only thing that we could do…’. Carbon-dioxide spelling.
8. In addition, we should also plant some trees to make Earth greener and better environment to live in — ‘Some’ implies a small amount or number. Unless you did it intentionally, I would use a more appropriate adjective here. Earth is a proper noun and should be capitalised. Using ‘the earth’ would mean the actual dirt under your feet — in that case it shouldn’t be capitalised and it takes a definite article. ‘Leave’ changed to ‘live in’ : ‘to live in a more friendly environment’).
9. ‘Global warming’ shouldn’t be capitalised — it is not a proper noun.

Another solid, balanced essay. The structure is well-defined and easy to follow. The idea however might seem a bit vague: to undo the damage we have to maintain positive outlook of the situation and plant some trees. This isn’t a crucial point in deciding your score, but it could become of use later on — try to make the idea of your essay more pronounced.

Some people hold the opinion that the government should prohibit extreme sports. I completely disagree with this view as these sport will not include risk or danger to the players’ safety if they are played in the right way (1).

To begin with, every sport has specific safety rules and regulations in order to ensure that serious accidents could not take place. As a result, I believe that if the players comply these rules properly (2), there will be no danger and there is no reason for the government to ban extreme sports. Furthermore, accidents could happen if the equipment provided for the players are not in high quality and it is true that the more extreme the sports are, the more fatal the accidents could be (3). However, this would not be an important problem if the players choose carefully and purchase the highest standard sports equipment (4).

Another reason why the government should continue allowing extreme sports is that they are considered to be extremely good for the players’ mental as well as physic health (5). This is mainly because playing these sports will definitely help the players to get rid of all the tension from daily life (6). Moreover, the players can maintain a healthy body and increase resistance to serious illnesses such as heart attack or high blood pressure. In addition, the players’ courage is also increased as these sports are all extreme sports, which contain a high level of danger (7).

In conclusion, there are a lot of reasons why extreme sports should continue to be allowed such as helping the players be healthier and these sports have safety rules and the players will not be dangerous if they fulfill these rules strictly (8).

289 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Some people hold the opinion that the government should prohibit extreme sports. I completely disagree with this view as these sports (or kinds of sports) will not pose/involve risk or danger to the players’ safety if they are played in the right way — Plural should be used in the first case as you mean at least two different kinds suggested by task. Second correction suggests proper collocation of verb+risk.
2. As a result, I believe that if the players comply (with) these rules (or follow this rules) properly — ‘comply’ is an intransitive verb and therefore needs a preposition. Alternatively you can use a transitive verb ‘to follow’.
3. Furthermore, accidents could happen if the equipment provided for the players is not of high quality and it is true that the more extreme the sports are, the more fatal the accidents could be — ‘equipment’ is singular; you can use ‘in’ preposition when talking about condition (e.g. my shoes are in poor condition). The second part (about the accidents) has completely different idea and would be better used to sum up the paragraph as a stand-alone sentence.
4. However, this would not be a big/serious/major problem if the players chose (or would choose) and bought (or buy — used with would here) sports equipment of the highest standard. — make sure to use the adjective that collocates with ‘problem’. In the second part try to maintain consistency of tense.
5. extremely good for the players’ mental as well as physical health — ‘physical’ is the adjective when you want to refer to the aspect of body rather than mind.
6. This is mainly because (taking part in) these sports will definitely help the players to get rid of all the tension from their/the daily life — the first part should use ‘taking parts in these sports’. You don’t ‘play’ skiing or sky diving.
7. Moreover, the players can maintain a healthy body and increase resistance to serious illnesses such as heart attack or high blood pressure. In addition, the players’ courage is also increased as extreme sports involve high level of danger. — avoid using the same verb (‘increase’) twice in such close proximity. See this list of synonyms for most common words to avoid such mistakes in the future. Remake the sentence). I have rephrased the second part to be shorter and easier to understand, at the same time avoiding using ‘sports’ twice in the same sentence.
8. Last sentence is awfully long and should be transformed into two or even three smaller one. A general advice is to avoid using single-sentence introduction and conclusion — they end up being either too short or too difficult to write and understand.

As most essays, this would be improved by better collocations and appropriate use of prepositions. When preparing for your written exam, don’t be shy to consult your dictionary whenever you are in doubt — a good one will have examples of prepositions that a certain word takes.

The habit of writing letter (1) is declining due to the extreme use of computers and mobile phones. It has been claimed by some individuals that the tradition of writing a letter will vanish completely. I completely agree with the view of writing letter might disappear in the near future (2). In my perspective, the main aim of the letter is to deliver the message from one person to another, if this can be achieved very well from other sources, I do not see the necessity of hand written letters (3).

It is true that the invention of cell phones and laptops have provided a great deal of flexibility for humans (4). In addition, the innovations in the area of communication have dramatically improved which is helping individuals to speak without any barriers (5). In this hi-tech world writing letter may take its own time to get delivered to the intended recipient, whereas talking over phone or mailing will get accomplished in a fraction of a second (6). An instance illustrating this is in action is the applications such as Facebook and Whatsapp which has been extensively used by plethora of people around the world (7).

The habit of writing letter is losing its importance due to the extensive growth in technology (8). The main idea of writing a letter is to convey a message from one person to another, which can also be achieved using messages or dialling the other person. When we can fulfill our task in a much easier and faster way via advanced technologies I do not see the need for the existence of writing letters (9).

In conclusion, the possibility of letter writing tradition may end soon (10). Though, it is not going to affect the community much, since there are better and faster means of delivering the messages.

304 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. The habit of writing letters (or habit of letter writing) is declining due to the extreme use of computers and mobile phones. — both variants are acceptable here, the original has to be pluralised to be grammatically correct.
2. I completely agree with the view (that the practice) of writing letters (or letter writing) might disappear in the near future — same as in the first case, ‘writing letters’ has to be in plural.
3. From my perspective, the main aim of a letter is to deliver the message from one person to another, (and) if this can be achieved very well by other means, I do not see the necessity of hand-written letters — ‘From my perspective’ is the expression you need to use here. ‘A letter’ should take an indefinite article as you don’t mean any particular letter. ‘From other sources’ is a bit confusing, you would be better off with ‘by other means’.
4. It is true that the invention of cell phones and laptops has provided a great deal of flexibility for humans/The inventions like cell phones and laptops have provided — ‘invention’ is in singular and ‘to have’ refers to it.
5. In addition, the innovations in the area of communication have dramatically improved which is helping individuals to speak without any barriers. — it is unclear what is meant by ‘innovations have improved’.
6. In this hi-tech world a conventional letter takes time to be delivered to the intended recipient, whereas talking over phone or e-mailing will get accomplished in a fraction of a second — I have changed the first part of he sentence to use a form different from ‘writing letter’.You also have to specify that you mean e-mail and not the more traditional mailing service which deals with written letters that you mention in the first part of the sentence.
7. (Two striking examples are) applications such as Facebook and Whatsapp which have been extensively used by plethora of people around the world — I have altered the beginning of the sentence to make it easier to read. Check this article on concise writing that covers the basics of making your essay easy to read. Avoid using unnecessary words.
8. (Handwritten letter) is losing its importance due to the extensive growth in technology — ‘the habit of writing letter’ is the exact phrase you used in your introduction. Overusing the same expression lowers your final score. You should show the examiner that your vocabulary is rich and varied.
9. When we can fulfil our task in a much easier and faster way via advanced technologies I do not see the need for writing letters — in this case you can trim the second part down to convey the same meaning and make it more grammar friendly. Note the spelling of ‘fulfil’. See this list of hard to spell words to avoid mistakes in the future.
10. In conclusion, (there is) a possibility that letter writing tradition may end soon — an auxiliary verb is omitted.

There are two major issues with this essay. The author keeps using the same expression that they took from the task (‘writing letters’). This can seriously harm the final score. The second problem is using wrong articles/prepositions/vocabulary. Make sure you know the basics of articles in English. A better use of commas could also improve the readability and therefore the final score of this essay.

Some people hold the opinion that as technology advances, cultural traditions die out undoubtedly (1). I partly agree with this view as that technological development and cultures are not compatible in large cities but it will be different when it comes to the suburban (2).

To begin with, it can be seen that the urban areas have been changed a lot as a result of the dramatic development of technology. For example, in the past ways for people to get rid of tension were usually spend time with their families or friends (3); however, in these modern days (4), people tend to use the Internet as a means of relaxation and recreation. As a result, all the relationships in the society will gradually be destroyed. Moreover, it is clearly that people knew clearly about their neighbourhood and always got along with their neighbours, which is unlike people these days who do not know their closest neighbours (5).

However, traditional cultures and the advances in technology are compatible in the rural areas as many customs and beliefs are still maintained. A clear example is that many traditional skills such as embroidering or pottery are still passed on from parents to children. Furthermore, advances in technology also make a great contribution to the development of the traditions in the countryside. Technology makes it far easier for the farmers when the harvest season comes, this development also helps people living in the suburban have more opportunities to access to the latest information by using the Internet (6).

In conclusion, in some cases it is true that the loss of customs and beliefs is brought about by technological developments; however, in some areas, many traditions are still preserved despite the significant advance in technology.

290 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Some people hold the opinion that as technology advances, cultural traditions inevitably die out. — inevitably would sound more natural here. Adverbs of certainty (‘inevitably‘) are normally used before the verb.
2. I partly agree with this view in that technological development and cultures are not compatible in large cities but it will be different when it comes to the suburban — use ‘in’ instead of ‘as’ to indicate that you agree with a certain part of a statement.
3. For example, in the past the ways for people to get rid of tension were usually to spend time (or spending time) with their families or friends — first of all, without the definite article past can be mistakenly attributed to ways. The second part needs either an infinitive (to spend time) or gerund (spending time).
4. however, these days (or in modern days/nowadays) — the suggested examples are more commonly used when referring to the present.
5. Moreover, it is clear that people knew their neighbourhood (better) and always got along with their neighbours, unlike people these days who do not know their closest neighbours (or who do not know people they live next to) — avoid using the same expression in the same sentence, let alone the same line. I have rephrased the first part of the sentence to avoid using clear (and its forms) twice. I have also included the ending of the sentence in brackets that avoids using word neighbours twice.
6. Technology makes it far easier for the farmers when the harvest season comes, this development also helps people living in suburban areas have more opportunities to access the latest information by using the Internet.— Suburban areas is the phrase you should be using here. Avoid using the word ‘suburbs’ which means ‘away from the city centre’ but doesn’t imply that the area is out of town.  Access is a transitive verb so you don’t need a preposition.

The essay fully addresses the point of the task. It has a clear structure, varied vocabulary and appropriate style. It could use better use of collocations and prepositions. You should also pay attention not to use the same word twice. This is easy to avoid by proofreading your essay after you have finished your draft. Don’t be shy to make any corrections in it — as long as the correction is readable your mark won’t suffer from it.