Essay

The usage of government money to enhance the railway system is preferable (1) than utilizing (2) it to strengthen the road transport system. While I completely agree with the view (3) of administration ought to focus on railways, I also believe that even roads should be widened and monitored regularly for any potholes (4), which help people to have a pleasant travel experience on a day-to-day basis.

To begin with, there are several benefits of having an efficient railway system in place to cope up (5) with the growing population. In fact, railway transport system is indeed flexible and convenient for long travels because all basic facilities are addressed and taken care (6) efficiently in railways. A prime example is the provision of washroom facilities, sleeper coach and option (7) of selecting food from a variety of different caterers makes the rail journey all the more comfortable.

Nevertheless, there is a need for government to prioritize even the road transport system which is the most opted form of transportation by the people (8) on daily basis. It is undeniable that majority of individuals own a car and look forward to luxury and convenience while commuting to the office, thus prefer to use their own vehicle rather than singing in for railways. Therefore, the condition of the roads should be monitored at regular intervals and proper actions should be taken to repair any damage on the roads.

In conclusion, the government should take a judgmental decision in spending money and give equal importance to both railway and road transportation which are the essential form of transport systems. Having a good transportation system in place is a preferred choice of almost every individual, which should be addressed by the administration.

288 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. The usage of government money to enhance the railway system is (more) preferable— you have to use a comparative adjective here. Alternatively, you can use ‘preferable to‘ construction.
2. than spending it to strengthen the road transport system — ‘utilizing’ is not the best alternative collocation for ‘money’.
3. While I completely agree with the view that administration — ‘of’ is changed to ‘that’.
4. Roads should be widened and monitored regularly for potholes — ‘any’ can be omitted here as it doesn’t add anything new to the idea of this phrase.
5. To begin with, there are several benefits of having an efficient railway system in place to cope — there is no such phrasal verb as ‘cope up’. ‘To cope’ is enough here to convey the meaning.
6. In fact, railway transport system is indeed flexible and convenient for long travels because all basic facilities are addressed and taken care of — ‘to take care of’ is a set phrase and therefore it can’t be changed i.e. you can’t omit ‘of’.
7. A prime example is the provision of washroom facilities, sleeper coach and (the) option of selecting food — a particular option is mentioned here, use a definite article.
8. Most opted form of transportation by the people —what people are meant here? Make sure your articles serve a purpose.

It is commonly believed that kids ought to follow the instructions given by their parents, whilst others think kids should be given the liberty to listen to their own self. The purpose of this essay is to analyse both sides of the argument and then I will give my own perspective.

Parents hold the responsibility of guiding and assisting their children in following their guideline. First and foremost, parents have a lot of expertise in each and every aspect of life, which enable them to take better decision for their kids’ well-being and intense growth in all fields (1). For example, Lathe Mangeshkar who is the Nightingale of India got immense support from their parents in identifying her hidden talent and nurturing it.

On the flip side, children should opt their choice without being influenced by others, according to some (2). This is because each and every kid is gifted with the ability to think on their own and make the necessary decision as per requirement. A prime example is the life history of Dr. Rajkumar from sandalwood industry. During his childhood, he found his great impulse in acting and choose film industry as his career, thus achieved great heights and earned both name and fame (3).

Finally, in my opinion, I am in favor of people who think youngster should be given the privilege to carefully think from their perspective and share the same with their parents rather than burdening them with parent’s choice (4).

In conclusion, children are the future of our nation. So, it is guardians responsibility to make kids understand necessary concepts about leading life and support them in choosing the right choice. Nevertheless, parents should guide children in making the right choice rather than masking kids opinion.

292 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. First and foremost, parents have a lot of expertise in each and every aspect of life, which enables them to take better decision for their kids’ well-being and intense growth in all fields. — expertise enables them.
2. On the flip side, children should make their choice without being influenced by others, according to some. — You can ‘opt for something’ or ‘opt to do something’. If you are unsure how to use a certain construction, it is better to use a more familiar one than make a mistake in a more complex one.
3. During his childhood, he found his great impulse in acting and chose film industry as his career, thus (he) achieved (or thus achieving) great heights and earned (or earning) both name and fame — both verbs in the first clause should be in the past. Second clause is either missing a pronoun or the verb is used in wrong form.
4. Finally, in my opinion, I am in favour of people who think youngster should be given the privilege to carefully think from their perspective and share the same with their parents rather than burdening them with parent’s choice. — you are using British English spelling and vocabulary throughout your essay: ‘whilst’, ‘analyse’. It is important to be consistent with it.

It is often thought that the wide variety of technological advancements are rising gap between rich and poor people, whilst other think these advancements are bridging the gap between rich and poor (1). Many arguments have been made for and against effect of technological inventions rich and poor people (2). In this essay, I will discuss both views and give my own position.

On one hand, many people think that the growth in technology reduces the difference between the rich person and poor person (3). This can be attributed to the growing inventions in all fields, which facilitate people to use a range of machinery for accomplishing the tasks, that in turn reduce the dependency on people for accomplishing the task (4). A good illustration is the invention of machineries for weeding, planting, harvesting and food processing which evidently reduce the time and people involved in these tasks and result in huge profit for agrarian society (5).

On the other hand, technology has spread over many areas which act as a trigger point for the increase in gap between wealthy and needy person (6). Even though there are plenty of new machinery rushing to the market each day, they are almost extremely costlier which can not be afforded by an indigent person (7). This, in turn, results in the needy person to go penniless, in contrast, facilitate moneyed man to become wealthy individual (8).

Finally, in my opinion, we are in the 21st century where tremendous growth in technology facilitates people to lead a better life with high quality. There are a lot of positive outcomes due to technological innovations which play a key role in bridging the gap between rich and poor people.

In conclusion, with the recent technological invention, there is a lot of scope for poor people to get rid of manual work and thrive towards raising their standard of living. Therefore, new innovations play a vital role in reducing the gap between rich people and poor people.

331 word

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. It is often thought that the wide variety of technological advancements are widening/increasing the gap between rich and poor people, whilst other think these advancements are bridging the gap between rich and poor (or a shorter ‘bridging that gap/said gap) — the listed verb better collocate with the word ‘gap’, which in turn should be used with definite article as this is a certain gap we are talking of. At the end of the sentence I suggest avoid using ‘rich and poor’ again as it is already clear from the context what you mean.
2. Many arguments have been made for and against effect of technological inventions rich and poor people — By rich and poor? For rich and poor? A preposition is needed here. See this entry about prepositions for the basic cases of usage.
3. On one hand, many people think that the growth in technology reduces the difference between the rich person and (the) poor person (or the rich and the poor person) — it is important to be consistent with your use of articles here.
4. This can be attributed to the growing inventions in all fields, which facilitate people to use a range of machinery for accomplishing the tasks, that in turn reduce the dependency on people for accomplishing the task — try to paraphrase this bit — ‘accomplishing the task’ twice in the same sentence really stands out.
5. A good illustration is the invention of machinery for weeding, planting, harvesting and food processing which evidently reduces the time and people involved in these tasks and results in huge profit for agrarian society — ‘machinery’ is normally used in singular.
6. On the other hand, technology has spread over many areas which act as a trigger point for the increase in gap between (a/the) wealthy and (a/the) needy person — as the nouns are in singular, there should be an article, either definite or indefinite, used with each of the nouns.
7. Even though there is plenty of new machinery rushing to the market each day, almost all of it is extremely costly and can not be afforded by an indigent person — ‘Machinery’ is singular. I have altered the second clause the way I understood it. The original was a bit difficult to get right.
8. This, in turn, results in the needy person to go penniless and in contrast facilitates moneyed man to become wealthy individual — ‘this’ is singular and refers to the verb ‘to facilitate’. The latter therefore should be used in singular too. I didn’t correct ‘moneyed man’ but it is stylistically out of place — try to use a more formal vocabulary in your essay.

The trend of purchasing used goods is on the rise in comparison with people buying brand new ones (1). The main reason for this kind of trend is the reduced cost involved in buying second-hand goods (2). In my view, this trend has an adverse effect on the whole society, as it promotes consumerism and fourfold the rubbish produced all over the world (3).

One of the reason for consumers to show a great deal of interest in used commodities is the cheaper rate involved in buying second-hand goods (4). One’s a person purchase any goods and wish to re-sell it, minimum half of the price gets reduced on the goods purchased (5). This promotes people from the middle class to get needed things at a reduced cost in comparison with original price involved in it (6). A recent survey from the OLX (a website for selling used goods ) shows an overwhelming response from people in buying used things in comparison with first-hand commodities (7).

The amount of money incurred in purchasing second-hand goods is increasing drastically, which have a negative influence on the community (8). This is because people are involved in purchasing things which are not necessary (9). This kind of behaviour promotes people to discard the working replicas of things at home and buy new ones at discounted price (10). As an adverse effect of this consumerism, the amount of rubbish produced all over the world has extensively increased. Furthermore, this has drawbacks on the environment as the landfills to fill rubbish is on the rise.

In conclusion, the whole world has modelled buying second hand goods in comparison with first-hand things (11). This can be attributed to the low cost involved in purchasing used commodities in contrast with the high price of getting new things. Though this trend looks beneficial to people, it has adverse ramification on the whole environment.

315 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. The trend of purchasing used goods is on the rise in comparison with people buying brand new ones — there are no actual mistakes here, but the reader has to make a logical leap to understand that ‘new ones’ is used in contrast to ‘used goods’.
2. The main reason for this trend is the reduced cost involved in buying second-hand goods —’kind of’ doesn’t add anything to the text. Avoid littering your text with padding phrases that do not introduce anything new. See concise writing.
3. In my view, this trend has an adverse effect on the whole society, as it promotes consumerism and fourfold the rubbish produced all over the world — you have used ‘trend’ three times in three successive sentences, all in your introductory paragraph. Consider using a synonym (e.g. ‘notion’, ‘tendency’) or rephrasing your ideas to avoid using this word.
4. One of the reasons for consumers to show a great deal of interest in used commodities is the lower prices of  second-hand goods — ‘One of the reasons’ — one of many reasons. I have altered the second part of the text (underlined) — don’t make it complicated just for the sake of puzzling your reader. Stick to simpler constructions unless you are sure they won’t cause any confusion.
5. One is that when a person buys and unwraps a brand-new item, its resale value goes down by at least 50%.— I get what you meant here and corrected the sentence accordingly.
6. This encourages people from the middle class to get needed things at a reduced cost in comparison with original price involved in it. — I have suggested a more suitable verb. You should also consider dropping the part after ‘cost’ as it doesn’t add anything new.
7. A recent survey by OLX (a website for selling used goods ) shows an overwhelming number of people buying used things in comparison with first-hand commodities — a survey is held by someone. You don’t need a definite article here — see this entry on English articles basics.
8. The amount of money involved in purchasing second-hand goods is increasing drastically, which has a negative influence on the community — ‘incurred’ has a different meaning. ‘To have’ in the second clause refers to the situation of increasing, which is singular.
9. This is because people are involved in purchasing things which are not necessary — it is unclear what is not necessary — the things or the people.
10. This kind of behaviour promotes people to discard the working replicas of things at home and buy new ones at discounted price — what are ‘the working replicas’? I haven’t corrected this but it has to be rephrased.
11. In conclusion, the whole world has modelled buying second hand goods in comparison with first-hand things — I can only guess that ‘to model’ here means ‘to show, to demonstrate’. I didn’t correct it as I’m unsure what the author meant by it. As an addition, I wouldn’t use ‘first-hand’ to imply that the item wasn’t pre-owned. Stick to a more widely accepted ‘new’, ‘brand-new’.

While text has an adequate structuring and acceptable idea-development, multiple vocabulary inaccuracies make it difficult to understand. An extensive use of padding constructions (e.g. “This promotes people from the middle class to get needed things at a reduced cost in comparison with original price involved in it“) will drive the overall mark even lower. Consider using simpler constructions and breaking longer sentences into shorter ones.

In families, elders are keen on repairing things, in contrast to with buying new items, as it can result in wastage of money (1). Everyone needs money for spending a prosperous life, so we need to spend it carefully on necessary goods (2). This habit is modelled in a majority of homes which promotes inspires people to stop buying unnecessary things and give high priority to for repair and reuse of commodities (3).

It is observed that people are interested in fixing the problem with the goods in comparison with purchasing new items (4). I completely agree with this notion and believe this will have a negative influence on companies who are indulged in producing consumer goods (5).

This approach has an adverse effect on industries who are working on consumer goods. This is because, as individuals are more keen on fixing the problems with the items, thus impacting the sale of new goods which badly affects the organizations. Therefore, firms may see a decline, which will have adverse consequences on the people who are working in these companies.

In conclusion, repairing goods rather than purchasing new ones is vital all around (6). This trend is definitely positive, that facilitates people to limit think wisely before spending their earnings on brand-new items. However, this growth impacts firms indulged in the production of new goods will see a that might see a downward trend (7).

234 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. In families, elders are keen on repairing things in contrast to buying new items, as it can result in wasting/spending money.
2. Everyone needs money for a prosperous life, so we need to spend it carefully on necessary goods only — I have added ‘only’ for more emphasis.
3. This habit is modelled in a majority of homes which encourages people to stop buying unnecessary things and give high priority to for repair and reuse of commodities.
4. It is observed that people are interested in fixing the problem with the goods as opposed to purchasing new things.
5. I completely agree with this notion and believe that this will have a negative influence on companies that are involved in producing consumer goods — companies are inanimate object are therefore you should use ‘that’ instead of ‘who’.
6. In conclusion, repairing goods rather than purchasing new ones is vital all around — it is unclear what the author means by ‘vital all around’. Consider using a simpler construction so your reader would understand you.
7. However, this growth impacts firms involved in the production of new goods will see a that might see a downward trend.

This essay needs a lot of work to be considered good.

1. The structure needs reworking. Introductory paragraph is too big, it contains information that would better be used in a body paragraph.
2. More complex collocations are used incorrectly, at times this stands in the way of understanding.

Some of these mistakes could be avoided with proof-reading. This is a universal solutions to many inaccuracies of any written work. Three minutes spent on proofreading can improve your mark dramatically.

It is argued by many that kids with special abilities should be allowed to study with all students, whilst others feel these kids should be given extra care and ought to be handled in separate sections. The purpose of this essay is to analyse both sides of the arguments then I will give my own perspective (1).

On one side, many people think that kids with special abilities should have the privilege of studying together with all other children. This environment boosts the confidence of children with challenges and allows them to forget their disability, which is utmost important (2). An instance illustrating this in action is the life history of few individuals, who achieved great heights when they were treated alongside other kids without any discriminations .

On the flip side, creating a special environment for challenging children (3) is highly preferable, according to some. This is because kids with challenging abilities need attention and different supporting staff with specialized skills to teach these kids. An example is the “Asha kirana” school, which is specialised in nurturing kids with challenging abilities, support them and identify their hidden abilities (4).

Finally, in my opinion, I am in favor of enabling challenging children to learn and excel in specialised setup rather than combining with other students. Some kids may have resentment when merged with other kids (5). Thus, it is better to allow kids with special abilities to be in their favoured environment.

In conclusion, children with special abilities can be combined with other kids or kept in a separate favorable environment. However, in my view, kids with challenges should be differentiated and allow them to study in a different set up which can address issues such as learning and understanding problems faced by these kids.

295 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. The purpose of this essay is to analyse both sides of the argument, then I will give my own perspective. — there is only one argument here — whether to separate these kids from others or not. Also a comma after ‘arguments’ introduces the next clause, making the sentence easier to understand.
2. This environment boosts the confidence of children with challenges and allows them to forget their disability, which is most important (or of utmost importance) — ‘utmost’ is an adjective, not an adverb (unlike ‘most’).
3. On the flip side, creating a special environment for challenging children — in this case and later throughout the text the phrase ‘challenging children’ is supposed to mean children with various disabilities. They are more often referred to as ‘challenged children’. ‘Challenging’ has a meaning ‘difficult to deal with, disobedient’, but even though it is clear what the author implies here I would still suggest using ‘challenged’.
4. An example is the Asha Kirana school, which is specialised in nurturing kids with challenging abilities, support them and identify their hidden talents — Asha Kirana should be capitalised, I have paraphrased ‘abilities’ to avoid using it twice.
5. Some kids may have resentment when merged with their peers — I have paraphrased ‘kids’ here with a less used alternative.

This is a very decent essay with pronounced and clear structure, well-defined main idea and a balanced argument. One thing that would make it better is more attention to vocabulary — the author could easily come up with synonyms for most of the more often used constructions.

Governing authorities ought to dedicate a huge amount of money in making pupils learn science in comparison with other subjects, to achieve prosperous growth of a country (1). While I agree that it is essential to imbibe scientific skills in students, I also believe teaching other subjects should not be neglected for the overall growth of the nation (2).

To begin with, there are plenty of reasons to illustrate teaching science for school kids have enormous benefits (3). First and foremost, science has exceeding advantages in terms selecting a variety of fields after completing basic education (4). Furthermore, the need for science graduates is plummeting as the whole world is eager to invent something new every day which in turn require skilled science graduates for thorough research (5).

On the other hand, school kids should also learn other important subjects such as arts, history, sports et cetera. This is because exposure to these subjects will enhance the social skills and allow students to have a brief idea about how our ancestors lived and the challenges faced by them (6). Along with this, dedicating time for arts and sports emphasise on skills such as, how to mingle with others and build the confidence of participation in different sports and arts activities (7).

In conclusion, it is essential to teach science as one of the major subjects in schools, but it should not be thought in detriment of other subjects such as arts, history, and sports (8). In order to nurture kids it is highly essential to teach every aspect of learning different subjects, thus promoting balanced learning curriculum.

267 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. Governing authorities ought to dedicate a huge amount of money to/for making pupils learn science in comparison with other subjects, to achieve prosperous growth of a country — mind the preposition.
2. While I agree that it is essential to imbibe (or cultivate) scientific skills in students, I also believe teaching other subjects should not be neglected for the overall growth of the nation. — I have personally never seen verb ‘imbibe’ used that way. I have suggested an alternative in brackets.
3. To begin with, there are plenty of reasons to illustrate that teaching science for school kids has enormous benefits — there’s a new clause after the verb, use ‘that’ to bring them together. ‘Has’ refers to singular ‘teaching’.
4. First and foremost, science has massive/huge/definite/distinct advantages in terms (of) selecting a variety of fields after completing basic education — I have suggested more common adjectives that go with ‘advantages’. ‘In terms of’ is the phrase you need if you mean to say ‘as expressed by’.
5. Furthermore, the need for science graduates is (sky-rocketing) as the whole world is eager to invent something new every day which in turn require skilled science graduates for thorough research — ‘to plummet’ means ‘to go down rapidly’ which is the opposite of what you meant by your context. I have suggested a possible alternative in brackets. See this list of verbs that mean change — they might come useful in future.
6. This is because exposure to these subjects will enhance social skills and allow students to have a basic/general idea about how our ancestors lived and the challenges faced by them — I wouldn’t use definite article before ‘social skills’ as it doesn’t point out the skills implied by the article. I also couldn’t find usage of ‘brief’ and ‘idea’ together.
7. Along with this, dedicating time for arts and sports emphasise on skills such as, how to mingle with others and build the confidence of participation in different sports and arts activities. — Here’s an alternative with some changes: ‘Dedicating time for art and sports teaches children to mingle with others and build up confidence to participate in different sports and arts activities’
8. In conclusion, it is essential to teach science as one of the major subjects in schools, but it should not be done in detriment of other subjects such as arts, history, and sports — I assume wrong verb has been used here or I could have misunderstood the meaning of it.

The essay has a well-presented argument that contains both positive and negative aspects of the matter in question. There are some inconsistencies with usage of prepositions, but most do not impede conveying the idea of text.

The language has good verbal variety, I couldn’t spot any word being used too often to stand out. There are good examples of more complex sentence constructions in terms of vocabulary, such as: “how our ancestors lived and the challenges faced by them”, “exposure to these subjects”, “in detriment of other subjects”. Some more advanced vocabulary is misused occasionally.

Many believe that technological advancements in the field of communication have potential drawbacks on human relationship. I completely disagree with this view and feel advancements in technology has an array of benefits on relationships in a society by catering fast, an easy and effective way of communication (1).

There are numerous improvements in the field of communication which helps people to be in constant touch (2). One of the strongest reason is, with the invention of mobile phones, people can connect with each other at any time of the day which makes the relationship stronger and healthier. Furthermore, earlier it used to take few days to deliver the messages to the other person, however, this is not the case now (3). We can start communicating with others in less than a minute which is really appreciable.

In addition, with the advent of social networking sites such as Skype people can do video chat with each other (4). This is extremely helpful in many situations. Take for example, when juveniles are sent to universities for higher studies, parents can watch them on a daily basis which reduces the boredom of not seeing them for a long time in contrast with earlier days. Despite this, the evolution of e-mail gave the new outlook for professionals in carrying their daily work (5).

In conclusion, it is clear that there is a tremendous development in the technology which has a great impact on communication and thus assists in maintaining relationships in the society.

249 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. I completely disagree with this view and feel (that) advancements in technology have an array of benefits on relationships in a society by creating a fast, easy and effective way of communication. — You need to use ‘that’ after so-called ‘verbs of thinking’ — feel, think, believe and so on. ‘Advancements’ are plural and so should be ‘to have’ that refer to it. In the third case, I believe a wrong word has been used.
2. There are numerous improvements in the field of communication which help people to be in constant touch — ‘help’ refers to ‘improvements’, both should be plural.
3. Furthermore, earlier it used to take few days to deliver messages to the other person, however, this is not the case now. — ‘messages’ shouldn’t take a definite article as you haven’t mentioned the exact messages you are referring to. See more on basics of article use.
4. In addition, with the advent of social networking sites such as Skype people can have (a) video chat with each other. — ‘to have a chat’ is a more accepted collocation. And as far as I know Skype is a computer program (a piece of software) rather than a social networking site.
5. Despite this, the evolution of e-mail gave the new outlook for professionals in carrying their daily work — despite what? There is no evident opposition between this and the previous sentence.

This essay has several issues that should be addressed to insure a good mark. First is use of prepositions. Another aspect that could be improved upon is flow of text, e.g. suggestion #5. It is unclear how last sentence of the paragraph connects to the previous one. The author should pay more attention to auxiliary verbs in plural and singular.

Most of these mistakes could be avoided with proof-reading. Always proof-read your essay before handing it in — it eliminates most of the more obvious mistakes.

As veganism trending is becoming extremely common, many people hold the view that people can maintain a healthy lifestyle without the need of meat. I agree that being a vegetarian means being healthier. However, I would argue that remove meat from daily diet can lead to variously-detrimental consequences which directly associates to our health (1).

To begin with, there are many undeniable positive aspects of having a vegetarian diet. The most significant benefit is that this diet helps reverse several chronic illnesses such as heart disease, cancer or obesity. This is mainly because plant-based foods consume less cholesterol so consequently, there will be a lower level of blood pressure and cholesterol (2). Another advantage is that vegetarians are less likely to be overweight as the amount of fat in vegetables is extremely lower than that in meat (3).

However, meat can nourish our body more than plant-based foods can. Firstly, vegetables are deficient in protein whereas a large amount of this is found in meat (4). The main reason why human’s body needs to consume a balanced diet of protein is to build and repair tissue as well as maintain a healthy body, which is vital when doing anything energetic (5). Secondly, besides promoting mental health, meat also improve physical health as meat is extremely rich in various vitamins and minerals such as vitamin A, B, D (6). It has been proven that these vitamins play an important role in promoting good vision, stronger teeth and bones system (7).

In conclusion, it is true that following vegetarian diets results in many benefits such as lowering risks of getting chronic illnesses. However, I believe that meat is highly required while maintaining healthy diets (8).

283 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. However, I would argue that removing meat from daily diet can lead to variously detrimental consequences for our health. — a gerund form is needed instead of ‘remove’. You don’t need a hyphen between ‘variously’ and ‘detrimental’. I have shortened your construction because the extra words do not add anything to the text. In that case the syntax was wrong too. Using more words that do not add any meaning is bad for your final score.
2. This is mainly because plant-based foods contain less cholesterol so consequently, blood pressure will be lower. — ‘Cholesterol’ is pretty difficult to paraphrase, avoid using it twice in the same sentence.
3. Another advantage is that vegetarians are less likely to be overweight as the amount of fat in vegetables is much lower than that in meat. — don’t forget that you are making a comparison here, a comparative adjective should be used.
4. Firstly, vegetables are deficient in protein whereas a large amount of it is found in meat. — ‘it’ should be used to refer to something mentioned just now.
5. The main reason why human’s body needs (to have) a balanced diet of protein is to build and repair tissue (what tissue?) as well as maintain a healthy body, which is vital when doing anything energetic. — ‘to have a diet’ is a better collocation. Alternatively (and preferably), it could be omitted (the text in the brackets is optional). The second part of the sentence is a bit vague — it lacks specific information and hardly adds anything new to the essay. It states the obvious, like ‘you need a healthy body to do something that requires energy’. Use your essay to conduct more interesting thoughts and less trite ideas e.g. ‘A healthy, energetic lifestyle is rare nowadays as most people spend their time in front of their computers. To maintain an active life like this, one has to have a balanced diet’. This is just an example of how you can use the precious writing space to convey a message.
6. Secondly, besides promoting mental health, meat also improves physical health as it is extremely rich in various vitamins and minerals such as vitamin A, B, D. — ‘meat’ is singular. Also avoid using this word twice — I have replaced it with with a pronoun.
7. It has been proven that these vitamins play an important role in ensuring good vision, stronger teeth and bones — ‘Promote’ is not the best verb for this context. I have also dropped ‘system’ as it is redundant here.
8. However, I believe that meat is highly recommended while maintaining healthy diets — ‘highly required’ is rarely used, and almost all the uses are by foreign speakers (or so my Google research indicates). Use ‘highly recommended’ or simply ‘required’.

The essay has adequate structure — both positive and negative aspects of the approach are given equal attention. The reader would be well-informed on the issue of vegetarianism. The language is fairly varied, with a good range of health-related vocabulary. Occasional mistakes and inaccuracies do not stand in the way of understanding the message. The author occasionally repeats the same word — proof-reading the essay would have helped eliminate this.

In regard of a recent discussion about society and attitude to consumption, I would like to leave here some of my personal thoughts.

To start with, nowadays our society own (1) more personal belongings such as a television or a fridge but whether this items (2) are necessary or not is still not clear.

It goes without saying that thanks to some of the electronic devices our life it is easier due (3) to the fact that we have more free time to spend on things that we really love doing. However, there is a tendency on buying (4) unnecessary things just for pleasure and this turns out to be a waste of money and a waste of resources (5).

Another important thing to highlight is the fact that nowadays there is a common belief that the more you have the better you are so as a result we keep buying and keep working such a long hours so that we can earn more money to buy new things (6). This leads to spending less time with our family and friends and as a result a deterioration of our social relationships (7).

To conclude, despite owning items such as a television or a fridge leads to some advantages, the drawbacks of our way of consumption are higher due to that as a result our social relationships are being damaged.

229 words

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

1. To start with, nowadays our society owns — ‘society’ here is in singular.
2. whether these items — ‘items’ are plural.
3. our life is easier — ‘it’ shouldn’t be used as ‘life’ is the subject here.
4. However, there is a tendency of buying/to buy — ‘tendency’ and ‘on’ do not collocate. Make sure you use the correct preposition.
5. this turns out to be a waste of money and resources — avoid using the same verb twice, leave the unnecessary words out.
6.  Consider breaking this long sentence into two shorter ones.
7. This leads to spending less time with our family and friends and as a result a deterioration of our social relationships — you may leave ‘social’ out as it is already obvious from context what kind of relationships you are referring to.

This essay’s structure is decent, however there is one point that could be improved on. Both introductory and conclusion paragraphs are a single sentence. Try to develop your ideas into at least two or three sentences per paragraph. Check basic essay writing guide for more information.

A number of good language constructions are used that makes the essay look favourable in the examiner’s eyes. Sometimes the writer attempts overly complex and lengthy constructs which are at times difficult to understand merely because of their sheer size. I would opt for shorter, accessible sentences.

There is a number of inconsistencies when it comes to single and plural subject-verb relationship (see above).