Discuss both views and give your opinion
Sport is a popular amusement (1) and attracts a lot of attention. Some games collect a huge amount of people to see a play (2) of their favorite team. Companies use this opportunity as a way to sponsor games and give advertisement of their products to populate (3) theirs products. It might have negative and positive effect(4).
The benefits for the sport itself is that it helps to provide additional financial recourses (5) to salaries, equipment, gives more opportunities to promote and populate sport among the (6) young people. Helps (7) to make tickets cheaper for fans, broadcast a game worldwide, create a copy of the games and produce souvenirs to sell and memories the event and players (8). For instance, hockey attracts a lot of attention from different companies to place their ad while game is taking place. But it also sponsors to put in billboards that hockey teams are inviting young people to start training and you can see it also in huge malls apart from street ad. Sponsors also provide young team to travel (9) around the world to compete with foreign players.
A negative effect is that placing advertisements can be very aggressive and obtrusive, especially, while broadcasting worldwide some (9) games. It attracts attention from an event watchers, and kills a joy of watching and disrupts a (10) game. Like (11) during a basketball game there is a huge TV which apart from transmitting (12) the game, shows different commercials and you miss a part of the flow and you watch what you might not want to and you pay for.
In conclusion, in spite of pros and cons sport would not be able to survive without sponsorship, and sponsors will always use an opportunity to promote or sell their stuff.
284 words
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Practice— ‘practise’ is a verb, the noun is ‘practice’ — I have taken the liberty to correct this mistake in the rest of the essay. A similar case is advice(noun) and advise(verb). See the full list of tricky words in English.
- the benefits behind this marketing tool far outweigh the negative sides — ‘overweight’ is an adjective with a different meaning.
- ‘primary aim’ is used twice in the same paragraph. Consider paraphrasing it.
- For instance, private companies like Rolex are essential for many football teams which could not even remain in the sports without their financial help. — ‘market’ does not fit very well to describe sports environment such as football. I would advise using something different. A more general ‘sports’ would do better, or a figurative ‘game’, e.g. ‘they wouldn’t be able to stay in the game’.
- Paragraph three is slightly underlength and the idea there is insufficiently developed. Consider expanding it, adding supplementary arguments or increasing its size otherwise.
This writing is of very good quality, even though there are some minor shortcomings that could be easily rectified. Both grammatical and vocabulary structures are of considerable level.
Body paragraph two seems underdeveloped. The idea could be expanded further. The essay is over 300 words long. While this is not directly punished, writing a longer essay almost inevitably entails more mistakes. To be fair, this does not seem to be the case in this particular essay, but one should always keep this in mind.