Safety First
Many people claim that risky sports including skiing and sky diving should be prohibited. I oppose the aforementioned view and my reasons will be explained in the following paragraphs.
First and foremost,it goes without saying that these two sport (1) are able to evoke astounding thrills and raise adrenaline. However, incidents occur primarily due to the lack of professional training (2). Amateurs attempt to learn on their own without being aware of the risks they are exposing themselves to. Furthermore,accidents happen because of bold stunts performed by people searching for adventure. Special tricks demand help and ideal conditions,otherwise they will convert into imminent failures (3). In addition,a proper equipment is a necessity when it comes to plunging into such sports. A broken sky set or a rusty fly engine can ultimately trigger terrible repercussions to the people involved. On the top of that (4),skiing and sky diving represent a profitable area of investment. Therefore,governments in charge of these dangerous activities can spend in rural regions, thus contributing to the development and beauty of the site. (5)
On the flip side, despite of making all required steps to ensure for a safe experience , nature remains a game changer (6).Poor weather and sudden swifts have a tremendous impact on one’s life (7).For instance,many wounds have led to disabilities and in less fortunate scenarios to death. Ex formula pilot,Michael,has suffered a head injury while skiing and since then he has been in coma despite countless medical interventions.
To draw the conclusion,after weighting both sides of the argument I support the view that such sports should not become extinct irrespective of the public belief (8).
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Sports— ‘sports’ is normally pluralised in British English.
- Accidents occur — ‘incident’ is usually a more general term that can refer to both good and bad, planned and unplanned event. ‘Accident’ is something that happened by chance and is definitely something unpleasant. Later on in the text you use the right word. There’s a good article on the matter at espressoenglish.net.
- Special tricks require help and ideal conditions,otherwise they will imminently/inevitably turn into failures — ‘demand’ sounds too imperative here; ‘turn into’ is more suitable than ‘convert into’
— the latter makes it sound more like a business transaction than a sports mishap. I also opted for adverb ‘imminently’. This way the idea of something turning into failure is easier to see in motion, instead of it being an ‘imminent failure’ from the beginning. This is not a mistake but more a matter of preference. - On top of that — ‘On top of that’ is an idiom, no article is needed here.
- I couldn’t understand the connection between the last two sentences and the rest of the paragraph. Make sure there’s a clear progression of idea, the text is cohesive and easy to follow.
- On the flip side, despite (in spite of) making all required steps to ensure for a safe experience , nature remains a game changer — it is either ‘despite’ or ‘in spite of’.
- ‘Swift’ as a noun means a certain species of bird. You must have meant something different here.
- To draw a conclusion,after weighting both sides of the argument I support the view that such sports should not become extinct irrespective of public belief — public opinion shouldn’t take an article because you mean public opinion in general; ‘to draw a conclusion’ is the normally used form; however, the phrase implies that you infer the conclusion from something that isn’t explicitly stated. In your case you are summing up your own writing, which means that the conclusion should be clear to you. See this article for clarification.
Despite the fact that this text has very nice examples of vocabulary and grammar, it remains fairly inconsistent with collocations and numerous vocabulary inaccuracies ( see #1-3; #6, #7) as well as occasional grammar mistakes. This could negatively affect the overall IELTS Writing score (see criteria of IELTS Writing assessment).
Make sure you use words and phrases you are confident about, brush up your knowledge of articles, make sure all of your sentences contribute to the general idea of the paragraph they belong to.