(+) The purpose of the text is clear, writer addressed most of the points successfully
(-) The letter is not long and the points are not completely developed in this writing
Coherence and cohesion
(+) The text has good paragraph structure.
(-) Almost no cohesive devices() are used. Because of this the ideas of text are not linked, they look isolated.
(+) The writer shows good knowledge of basic collocations(). Vocabulary has no serious mistakes or innacuracies.
(-) Frequent word repetition caused by lack of synonyms.
Grammatical range and accuracy
(+) Basic structures have no errors
(-) More complex structures contain numerous errors. Incorrect use of tenses. Passive constructions contain mistakes and are used inappropriately. The writer sometimes leaves words out
We shall now take the same text and try to improve on it
I am writing to express my discontent1 with the person I have to share room with2. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will be able to continue my studying in this room3.
My cohabitant is always having4 a friend visiting and they host parties in the room. They make lots of noise and listen to5 the radio that is very loud. I find this environment very difficult to study in so I need a quieter room6. They even borrow my things without asking for permission, which is very impolite.
I request a different room to be given to me7 next term because I have asked8 her to have parties at a different place many times but they keep having them9 in our room. I can no longer stand living10 in the same room with her.
I would be grateful if you could move me to a single room.
- Dissatisfaction has been changed to discontent — you should avoid using words from the task. Use synonyms whenever possible
- The structure has been changed to paraphrase the task and to avoid using possessive “my” twice
- We skip the “room” part because we have already used the word in the previous sentence. The remaining part of the sentence is changed to correct basic grammar mistakes
- A vague “she” is changed to “cohabitant” – a synonym for roommate, that we have already used. Tense is changed to Present Continuous to express annoyance and irritation. See the tenses material to learn more
- Switching a radio loud would means that the “click” sound when you switch it on is loud. They listen to the radio, that is loud/playing loud music
- The second part of the sentence is better to be separated because it is a different idea that has no direct link to the first part of the sentence
- Using a passive construction is better here — it makes the request more polite. “New” was changed to “different” because “new” means “brand-new”, “never used before” which is unlikely to happen in a college dorm
- “I have been asked” is passive construction which we do not need here. We use “I have asked” to show the effect (or absence of effect in this case)
- Once again, Present Continuous is used to show our annoyance with the roommate. Note the preposition usage (“at a place”, “in a room”)
- Usage of a more expressive structure to persuade the reader