Some people hold the opinion that as technology advances, cultural traditions die out undoubtedly (1). I partly agree with this view as that technological development and cultures are not compatible in large cities but it will be different when it comes to the suburban (2).
To begin with, it can be seen that the urban areas have been changed a lot as a result of the dramatic development of technology. For example, in the past ways for people to get rid of tension were usually spend time with their families or friends (3); however, in these modern days (4), people tend to use the Internet as a means of relaxation and recreation. As a result, all the relationships in the society will gradually be destroyed. Moreover, it is clearly that people knew clearly about their neighbourhood and always got along with their neighbours, which is unlike people these days who do not know their closest neighbours (5).
However, traditional cultures and the advances in technology are compatible in the rural areas as many customs and beliefs are still maintained. A clear example is that many traditional skills such as embroidering or pottery are still passed on from parents to children. Furthermore, advances in technology also make a great contribution to the development of the traditions in the countryside. Technology makes it far easier for the farmers when the harvest season comes, this development also helps people living in the suburban have more opportunities to access to the latest information by using the Internet (6).
In conclusion, in some cases it is true that the loss of customs and beliefs is brought about by technological developments; however, in some areas, many traditions are still preserved despite the significant advance in technology.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- Some people hold the opinion that as technology advances, cultural traditions inevitably die out. — inevitably would sound more natural here. Adverbs of certainty (‘inevitably‘) are normally used before the verb.
- I partly agree with this view in that technological development and cultures are not compatible in large cities but it will be different when it comes to the suburban — use ‘in’ instead of ‘as’ to indicate that you agree with a certain part of a statement.
- For example, in the past the ways for people to get rid of tension were usually to spend time (or spending time) with their families or friends — first of all, without the definite article past can be mistakenly attributed to ways. The second part needs either an infinitive (to spend time) or gerund (spending time).
- however, these days (or in modern days/nowadays) — the suggested examples are more commonly used when referring to the present.
- Moreover, it is clear that people knew their neighbourhood (better) and always got along with their neighbours, unlike people these days who do not know their closest neighbours (or who do not know people they live next to) — avoid using the same expression in the same sentence, let alone the same line. I have rephrased the first part of the sentence to avoid using clear (and its forms) twice. I have also included the ending of the sentence in brackets that avoids using word neighbours twice.
- Technology makes it far easier for the farmers when the harvest season comes, this development also helps people living in suburban areas have more opportunities to access the latest information by using the Internet.— Suburban areas is the phrase you should be using here. Avoid using the word ‘suburbs’ which means ‘away from the city centre’ but doesn’t imply that the area is out of town. Access is a transitive verb so you don’t need a preposition.
The essay fully addresses the point of the task. It has a clear structure, varied vocabulary and appropriate style. It could use better use of collocations and prepositions. You should also pay attention not to use the same word twice. This is easy to avoid by proofreading your essay after you have finished your draft. Don’t be shy to make any corrections in it — as long as the correction is readable your mark won’t suffer from it.