Many believe that technological advancements in the field of communication have potential drawbacks on human relationship. I completely disagree with this view and feel advancements in technology has an array of benefits on relationships in a society by catering fast, an easy and effective way of communication (1)
There are numerous improvements in the field of communication which helps people to be in constant touch (2). One of the strongest reason is, with the invention of mobile phones, people can connect with each other at any time of the day which makes the relationship stronger and healthier. Furthermore, earlier it used to take few days to deliver the messages to the other person, however, this is not the case now (3). We can start communicating with others in less than a minute which is really appreciable.
In addition, with the advent of social networking sites such as Skype people can do video chat with each other (4). This is extremely helpful in many situations. Take for example, when juveniles are sent to universities for higher studies, parents can watch them on a daily basis which reduces the boredom of not seeing them for a long time in contrast with earlier days. Despite this, the evolution of e-mail gave the new outlook for professionals in carrying their daily work (5).
In conclusion, it is clear that there is a tremendous development in the technology which has a great impact on communication and thus assists in maintaining relationships in the society.
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- I completely disagree with this view and feel (that) advancements in technology have an array of benefits on relationships in a society by creating a fast, easy and effective way of communication. — You need to use ‘that’ after so-called ‘verbs of thinking’ — feel, think, believe and so on. ‘Advancements’ are plural and so should be ‘to have’ that refer to it. In the third case, I believe a wrong word has been used.
- There are numerous improvements in the field of communication which help people to be in constant touch — ‘help’ refers to ‘improvements’, both should be plural.
- Furthermore, earlier it used to take few days to deliver messages to the other person, however, this is not the case now. — ‘messages’ shouldn’t take a definite article as you haven’t mentioned the exact messages you are referring to.
- In addition, with the advent of social networking sites such as Skype people can have video chat with each other. — ‘to have a chat’ is a more accepted collocation. And as far as I know Skype is a computer program (a piece of software) rather than a social networking site.
- Despite this, the evolution of e-mail gave the new outlook for professionals in carrying their daily work — despite what? There is no evident opposition between this and the previous sentence.
This essay has several issues that should be addressed to insure a good mark. First is use of preposition. Another aspect that could be improved upon is flow of text, e.g. suggestion #5. It is unclear how last sentence of the paragraph connects to the previous one. The author should pay more attention to auxiliary verbs in plural and singular.
Most of these mistakes could be avoided with proof-reading. Always proof-read your essay before handing it in — it eliminates most of the more obvious mistakes.