User-submitted essay: Society and Attitude to Consumption II

 

In regard of a recent discussion about society and attitude to consumption, I would like to leave here some of my personal thoughts.

To start with, nowadays our society own (1) more personal belongings such as a television or a fridge but whether this items (2) are necessary or not is still not clear.

It goes without saying that thanks to some of the electronic devices our life it is easier due (3) to the fact that we have more free time to spend on things that we really love doing. However, there is a tendency on buying (4) unnecessary things just for pleasure and this turns out to be a waste of money and a waste of resources (5).

Another important thing to highlight is the fact that nowadays there is a common belief that the more you have the better you are so as a result we keep buying and keep working such a long hours so that we can earn more money to buy new things (6). This leads to spending less time with our family and friends and as a result a deterioration of our social relationships (7).

To conclude, despite owning items such as a television or a fridge leads to some advantages, the drawbacks of our way of consumption are higher due to that as a result our social relationships are being damaged.

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

  1. To start with, nowadays our society owns — ‘society’ here is in singular.
  2. whether these items — ‘items’ are plural.
  3. our life is easier — ‘it’ shouldn’t be used as ‘life’ is the subject here.
  4. However, there is a tendency of buying/to buy — ‘tendency’ and ‘on’ do not collocate. Make sure you use the correct preposition.
  5. this turns out to be a waste of money and resources — avoid using the same verb twice, leave the unnecessary words out.
  6.  Consider breaking this long sentence into two shorter ones.
  7. This leads to spending less time with our family and friends and as a result a deterioration of our social relationships — you may leave ‘social’ out as it is already obvious from context what kind of relationships you are referring to.

This essay’s structure is decent, however there is one point that could be improved on. Both introductory and conclusion paragraphs are a single sentence. Try to develop your ideas into at least two or three sentences per paragraph. Check basic essay writing guide for more information.

A number of good language constructions are used that makes the essay look favourable in the examiner’s eyes. Sometimes the writer attempts overly complex and lengthy constructs which are at times difficult to understand merely because of their sheer size. I would opt for shorter, accessible sentences.

There is a number of inconsistencies when it comes to single and plural subject-verb relationship (see above).