User-submitted essay: Extreme Sports

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Some people hold the opinion that the government should prohibit extreme sports. I completely disagree with this view as these sport will not include risk or danger to the players’ safety if they are played in the right way (1).

To begin with, every sport has specific safety rules and regulations in order to ensure that serious accidents could not take place. As a result, I believe that if the players comply these rules properly (2), there will be no danger and there is no reason for the government to ban extreme sports. Furthermore, accidents could happen if the equipment provided for the players are not in high quality and it is true that the more extreme the sports are, the more fatal the accidents could be (3). However, this would not be an important problem if the players choose carefully and purchase the highest standard sports equipment (4).

Another reason why the government should continue allowing extreme sports is that they are considered to be extremely good for the players’ mental as well as physic health (5). This is mainly because playing these sports will definitely help the players to get rid of all the tension from daily life (6). Moreover, the players can maintain a healthy body and increase resistance to serious illnesses such as heart attack or high blood pressure. In addition, the players’ courage is also increased as these sports are all extreme sports, which contain a high level of danger(7)

In conclusion, there are a lot of reasons why extreme sports should continue to be allowed such as helping the players be healthier and these sports have safety rules and the players will not be dangerous if they fulfill these rules strictly (8)

The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.

  1. Some people hold the opinion that the government should prohibit extreme sports. I completely disagree with this view as these sports (or kinds of sports) will not pose/involve risk or danger to the players’ safety if they are played in the right way — Plural should be used in the first case as you mean at least two different kinds suggested by task. Second correction suggests proper collocation of verb+risk.
  2. As a result, I believe that if the players comply (with)these rules (or follow this rules) properly — ‘comply’ is an intransitive verb and therefore needs a preposition. Alternatively you can use a transitive verb ‘to follow’.
  3. Furthermore, accidents could happen if the equipment provided for the players is not of high quality and it is true that the more extreme the sports are, the more fatal the accidents could be — ‘equipment’ is singular; you can use ‘in’ preposition when talking about condition (e.g. my shoes are in poor condition). The second part (about the accidents) has completely different idea and would be better used to sum up the paragraph as a stand-alone sentence.
  4. However, this would not be a big/serious/major problem if the players chose (or would choose) and bought (or buy — used with would here) sports equipment of the highest standard. — make sure to use the adjective that collocates with ‘problem’. In the second part try to maintain consistency of tense.
  5. extremely good for the players’ mental as well as physical health — ‘physical’ is the adjective when you want to refer to the aspect of body rather than mind.
  6. This is mainly because (taking part in) these sports will definitely help the players to get rid of all the tension from their/the daily life — the first part should use ‘taking parts in these sports’. You don’t ‘play’ skiing or sky diving.
  7. Moreover, the players can maintain a healthy body and increase resistance to serious illnesses such as heart attack or high blood pressure. In addition, the players’ courage is also increased as extreme sports involve high level of danger. — avoid using the same verb (‘increase’) twice in such close proximity. See this list of synonyms for most common words to avoid such mistakes in the future. Remake the sentence). I have rephrased the second part to be shorter and easier to understand, at the same time avoiding using ‘sports’ twice in the same sentence.
  8. Last sentence is awfully long and should be transformed into two or even three smaller one. A general advice is to avoid using single-sentence introduction and conclusion — they end up being either too short or too difficult to write and understand.

As most essays, this would be improved by better collocations and appropriate use of prepositions. When preparing for your written exam, don’t be shy to consult your dictionary whenever you are in doubt — a good one will have examples of prepositions that a certain word takes.

Leave a Reply