A few people are paid enormous incomes in many nations (1). Some people hold the opinion that the salaries level should not be higher than an average (2); however, I believe that it is much better not to do that as the higher these salaries are, the more benefits the countries may have.
To begin with, I believe that this incomes policy should not be applied for some reasons (3). The main reason is that the more earnings one person could get, the more prosperous the country will be (4). This is mainly because there will be a significant rise in the amount of taxes given by people who gain high incomes (5). Consequently, citizens’ life qualities will increase dramatically especially in health and education (6).
However, there are several reasons why some people are in the opinion that there should be an average income applied. Firstly, everyone is treated fairly through this incomes policy. This is mainly because it is considered to be unfair when everyone has to work industriously; however, a small number of people gain striking high earnings, whereas many people do not have enough money to cover their daily needs (7). Secondly, if the government implement this policy the number of poor people will reduce dramatically (8). As a result, the government will no longer have to solve problems related to homeless or miserable people (9).
In conclusion, it is better to keep incomes in a certain level as it is fair for everyone, even though the taxes and the quality of life will increase if the government do not implement this policy (10).
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- A few people have enormous incomes (or paid enormous sums of money) in many nations — First of all you should understand that there is a difference between expressions: ‘a few people’ means ‘some people’ whereas ‘few people’ has the meaning —’not many people’. ‘Incomes’ does not collocate with ‘paid’, see a possible suggestion in the corrected sentence.
- Some people hold the opinion that salary levels (or salary’s level) should not be higher than the country’s average — you are either missing an apostrophe or a plural ‘levels’ in the first part. As for the ‘average’, just using this word gives the idea of what you want to say but it is grammatically wrong. You should also avoid using semicolons as substitute for commas — see this article on semicolons for more info.
- To begin with, I believe that this incomes policy should not be applied for several reasons (or I believe that there are several reasons not to apply this incomes policy — some sounds a bit too informal for this topic. I would rephrase the sentence slightly to make it more apt for this formal register.
- The main reason is that the more earnings one person could have, the more prosperous the country would be — ‘To have earnings’ or simply ‘to earn’ is more appropriate word/collocation. See note on ‘would’ below.
- This is mainly because there would be a significant rise in the amount of taxes paid by people with high incomes. — from here on now you should use ‘would’ and ‘could’ instead of ‘will’ and ‘can’ as you are talking about an unreal, hypothetical situation. I have also changed the second part — ‘to pay taxes’ will get you more points than a more primitive ‘to give taxes’.
- Consequently, citizens’ quality of life would increase dramatically, especially in health and education — quality of life is more commonly used than ‘life quality’. If you are unsure which one to use when writing mock essays — google both phrases and see which gets more hits.
- This is mainly because it is considered unfair when everyone has to work industriously, but only a small number of people have strikingly-high earnings, whereas many other people do not have enough money to cover their daily needs — ‘but only’ makes the contrast clearer, same with ‘other people’. ‘Have’ collocates with ‘earnings’. Do not use two adjective next to each other, change the first adjective to an adverb (‘strikingly-high‘)
- Secondly, if the government (were to) implement this policy the number of poor people would reduce dramatically — another unreal situation here. ‘Were to do something’ is used to suggest a hypothetical scenario.
- As a result, the government would no longer have to solve problems related to homeless or miserable people — same as before — a hypothetical situation that does not reflect the current reality.
- In conclusion, it is better to keep incomes at a certain level as it is fair for everyone, even though the taxes and the quality of life will increase if the government do not implement this policy — this part is a bit unclear. Try breaking this up into two sentence.
This essay needs two issues to be addressed to be good. First of all the major idea here is a hypothetical scenario. Such sentences need a certain use of modal verbs (see above). Secondly, the conclusion does not present the ideas clearly. I understand what the author implied, but without reading the text it would be next to impossible to get this idea. Try using simpler and shorter sentences to make sure the point gets across to the reader.