Childhood is the golden age in anyone’s life which molds each individual to grow as responsible citizens (1) of the nation. In many countries, children are raised without giving (2) too many responsibilities in contrast with the earlier days, where kids have to accomplish more tasks (3) in order to fulfill the assigned responsibilities (4). It is often argued that this approach is beneficial, whilst other think it has its own drawbacks. This essay will sight both the opinions before coming to a reasoned conclusion.
On one hand, children were assigned with more duties in the past and they were encouraged to fulfill those duties to learn and unlearn things from the very young age. This view of making children get acquainted with the responsibilities from childhood helps them to grow as responsible individuals and in turn act (5) as a stepping stone in their success. Beethoven is a prime example whose parents indulged him in a musical instrument from his childhood which made him worlds renown instrumentalist. He is well known around the world and appraise his parents and give all credits (6) to them for his extravagant success.
On the flip side, juveniles of these decades (7) are given liberty to assert their opinion which is very well received by elders. This is one of the must criteria for having a good bonding, as we should not force kids to perform things which is doesn’t appeal to them and burden (8) with responsibility. It is advisable to give anyone more space and time which helps children to identify their self interest and work upon them (9). For example, Sachin Tendulkar is a well-known cricket player who always shares his parent’s role in making him a big success by giving much-needed space for himself.
In my opinion, parents should always nourish children with love and care rather than make them feel burden with the responsibilities (10).
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
1. molds each individual to grow as a responsible citizen — since ‘each’ is used here it means every single individual. Therefore it is better to use singular to emphasise that idea.
2. In many countries, children are raised without having too many responsibilities (or without being given too many responsibilities) — I would suggest using the passive construction here to show the examiner your command of English.
3. in contrast with the earlier days, when kids had to accomplish more tasks — the author refers to time rather than space, therefore ‘when’ should be used. We are also talking about the time in the past, so you should be using past tense (either Simple of Perfect).
4. The word responsible and its variations are used nine times throughout this text. Although it isn’t an easy word to find a synonym for, it is advisable to avoid repeating the same word too many times. Think of some ways to alter your choice of words: Responsible — accountable, obliged; Responsibility — obligation, duty. This list of most commonly used words in English could be worth reading to avoid overusing other widespread words and expressions.
5.This view of making children get acquainted with the responsibilities from childhood helps them to grow as responsible individuals and in turn acts as a stepping stone in their success. The word ‘act’ refers to view (singular) and not children (plural).
6. He is well known around the world and appraised his parents and gave all credit — as Beethoven is no longer with us it makes sense to use past sense here. ‘To give credit’ is a set expression that isn’t pluralised.
7. On the flip side, juveniles of today (or juveniles nowadays) — ‘these decades’ is an expression I haven’t encountered, and Google didn’t return any relevant examples either.
8. This is one of the must criteria for having a good bonding, as we should not force kids to perform things which don’t appeal to them and burden (them) with responsibility — things are plural. Burden is used as a verb here and needs an object.
9. It is advisable to give anyone more space and time which helps children to identify their self-interest and work upon it — Self-interest is spelled through a hyphen; it refers to self-interest (singular).
10. rather than make them feel burdened with responsibilities (or feel the burden of responsibilities)
This essay nails almost every aspect and deserves a high mark. Two areas that could use improvement — the first one is use of synonyms, i.e. responsible, responsibilities. The second improvement would be a more even balance of paragraphs — single sentence conclusion looks tiny in comparison with four-sentence introduction and voluminous body paragraphs.