It has been claimed by few individuals that 21st century is an era of opportunities and many people aspire to bring great changes to the world. In my opinion, even I am optimistic about future and like to see some drastic changes in protecting our environment (1).
Being optimistic is the key to happy life and I believe, every individual should always think positively which in turn create positive vibes around the world (2). I am delighted to share the optimistic thoughts of people who are on the verge of bringing changes to the world. Narendra Modi is the prime example who brought some real changes to our nation which was supported by citizens of our country wholeheartedly (3). He achieved something which was quite impossible by his will and optimism which is commendable (4).
There are few areas which need immediate attention from everyone (5). First and foremost, humans have destroyed the environment to an extent which can not be recovered again (6). The only thing what we ought to do at the current situation is to stop deforestation and reduce the emission of carbon-di-oxide (7). In addition, we should also plant some trees to make the earth greener and better environment to leave(8).
In conclusion, an optimistic view can transform the whole world and bring a positive change in it. Some fields which need quick attention is Global warming, which has a devastating effect if not addressed. As a whole, we can bring changes within us to minimize the Global warming to make our world livable (9).
The commentaries are marked in brackets with number (*). The numbered commentaries are found below. The part in italics is taken from the text, the word underlined is the suggested correction. Words in (brackets) are the suggested addition to the original phrase or sentence.
- I would ditch the introductory ‘In my opinion’ since you’re talking about yourself — it’s pretty much self-explanatory. Try going with something more straightforward like:
> “as for me/myself …” — true and tried, even if it seems a bit simplistic
> “the way I see it…” — might need to rephrase the sentence if you opt for this one
> “I for one think/believe/hold it that” — go for this construction if you believe your opinion is different from that of majority. The choice of a rebel.
- Being optimistic is the key to a happy life and I believe, every individual should always think positively which in turn creates positive vibes around the world — ‘happy life’ takes an indefinite article here — a happy life of some person; ‘to create’ refers to ‘which’ and should be used in singular.
- Narendra Modi is the prime example who brought some real changes to our nation which were supported by citizens of our country wholeheartedly — I assumed that ‘which’ refers to ‘changes’ and swapped ‘was’ for ‘were’
- He achieved something that was quite impossible by his will and optimism which is commendable — this is a so-called restrictive clause that needs ‘that’ instead of ‘which’. Restrictive clauses give essential information that can’t be taken out of the sentence. This sentence also has a non-restrictive clause — ‘which is commendable‘. It is an addition to the main idea and can be taken out of context without ruining the sentence.
- There are few areas that need immediate attention from everyone — another restrictive clause.
- First and foremost, humans have harmed/damaged the environment to an extent which can not be recovered again — ‘destroy the environment’ is usually used in Continuous Tense to show that something affects the environment badly, e.g. ‘Coal power plants are destroying the environment at an alarming rate’. The words I suggested are more commonly used to describe the extent of damage humanity causes.
- The first (?) thing that we ought to do at the current situation is to stop deforestation and reduce the emission of carbon-dioxide — ‘the only thing’ implies that there should be no other relief efforts to undo the damage. Alternatively change ‘ought to’ to ‘could’: ‘The only thing that we could do…’. Carbon-dioxide spelling.
- In addition, we should also plant some trees to make Earth greener and better environment to live in — ‘Some’ implies a small amount or number. Unless you did it intentionally, I would use a more appropriate adjective here. Earth is a proper noun and should be capitalised. Using ‘the earth’ would mean the actual dirt under your feet — in that case it shouldn’t be capitalised and it takes a definite article. ‘Leave’ changed to ‘live in’ : ‘to live in a more friendly environment’).
- ‘Global warming’ shouldn’t be capitalised — it is not a proper noun.
Another solid essay, balanced essay. The structure is well-defined and easy to follow. The idea however might seem a bit vague: to undo the damage we have to maintain positive outlook of the situation and plant some trees. This isn’t a crucial point in deciding your score, but it could become of use later on — try to make the idea of your essay more pronounced.